you know, but you don’t

You always think you know, but I bet, you don’t.

You understand me, yes, but it’s because I am such an open book for you. I’m predictable, because I am always that honest one. I can’t even hide my expressions when I am happy, angry, or sad. I am transparent.

Yes, you knew that every time you fly to my homeland, I will track your flight with flight-radar apps on my phone. Because I am indeed like that.

But I bet you don’t know, I only do such thing to you. Never have I ever, in my entire life, do the same thing to others. Not even to my parents or other family members. 😅 (Sorry, folks..)

You knew I would walk the extra miles to assist you. When ever you need something, I will help you out directly. It’s true that I always keep people’s trust. But I bet you don’t know, I always [unconsciously] put you as the top priority–when you need it today, you got it yesterday. You don’t know, that is something I don’t do to others.

If other people need my help, I will help on my term, not theirs. But when you need my help, I always do it on your term. Big difference. And I bet you don’t know that.

I bet you don’t know that I set two weather widgets on my phone’s home screen. One, my town’s weather forecast. Second, your town’s.

And I regularly look upon my phone screen just to peep on your town’s weather statement: “Is it raining? Is it hot? What’s the temperature? Are you cold? Put on your jacket. What’s the time there? Ah, you must be still sleeping now..” are the constant dialogue I have in mind. It makes me feel you, and got me somewhat stay close to you.

And when you visited another country–that you shared the information with me–I will create another weather widget for the town you were in that day. And removed the widget again once you return to your homeland.

I bet you don’t know that.

You may say that I am obsessed with you, but I honestly think it’s not true. I am not. I’m just….. in love. And I care about your well-being.

I made no shrine of you. I don’t think about you all the time. I have life too. I have other priorities too. My life does not evolve around you. I have better things to do too. It’s just my choice to put you first, because you are part of my life, for me.

I bet, you don’t even realize that.

And most of all, I never demanded you to do the same for me. I never pushed you to put me as your priority. I know my place and I never got in your way. I am even okay when you said you never loved me the way I want you to be. It’s okay.

Sure, I am sad that I have this one-sided love; that I will never have the chance to win your heart; that you will never ever loved me like a man to a woman; but, hey, what can I say? My heart wants what it wants.

If that’s wrong; if that’s weird, then blame The One who created my heart and put this stubborn feelings in me. He is the one responsible who wrote my destiny; my curse, for falling in love with my best friend.

I have to live with this every day; every hour; every second. It hurts to fall in love like this. I cry every now and then, even when I wasn’t thinking about you. I’m in agony. I’m in sorrow. I’m empty. But what can I say, this is the life that’s written for me. So, I accept. I swallow the bitterness.

I bet you don’t know that.

why has he not coming for me?

Oh, Allah, don’t let me live lonely and die broken-hearted.. 🥺

I cried silly tonight. Alone, in my dark bedroom. The rain starts to pour as my tears dried. I lost the sparks of life within me. I just keep walking and surviving my daily life like zombie; Cold and empty.

But, none to blame. C’est la vie. Life happens.

six years and counting (2)

I remember talking to my dad about this “qualifications” stuff. Well, my dad and mom were also divorced, my (late) mom married again later on, but both my parents remain good friends, even dad is friend with my stepdad. Of course it takes time to reach that point. When mom died, my dad carried her coffin to her final resting place.

Anyways, back to my past conversation with Dad about qualifications, I asked him, why he never married again? He replied, the older you are the more careful you become. And the qualifications for your partner also going sky-higher. Because when years pass you by, you realized, trusting someone is getting harder now.

As years passing, you will witness there are worse and worse people in front of you. True, good, and pure people are very rare. Most of them already taken, and what’s left on the society are those who are…. disappointed with life.

Don’t get me wrong, I personally think all people are basically good. We all are born innocent and can always return to the kindness we should be. But some of us made terrible decisions in life that may hurt others, or worse, hurt ourselves. It wounded us. And it changed us.

Some of us think, we can’t go back and return to innocence. We have damaged others and it makes us feel worse, but in order to stay alive and comfortable about it, we numbed ourselves. Pretending nothing terrible happened in our lives leaving scars. Convincing ourselves all is good and all is in the past. We didn’t realize, some of those scars can poisoned us to certain level.

And if I can say something about this, for those who feels like this, please make peace with yourself. Forgive yourself. And forgive others. If you have wronged other people, apologize. You may not completely innocent anymore, but you are growing wiser now.

I won’t say it’s easy–it’s not. But nothing is easy in this world anyway. Do that, inshaallah, you will find peace and ready to be that kind-hearted person again.

Again, to be continued.. 😁💕

six years and counting (1)

Six years and counting..

I’ve been here before. But that time, I was much younger, much attractive, more full of life.

I am older now. Much older. Forty-two and still need to face what I have been through 16 years ago. As if history repeats itself.

Although this time is different. This time, my energy has ran out. This time, my optimism going thinner. I fully realize that I am not getting younger and I cannot turn back the time.

Certainly, I welcomed the years that carved its marks on my face, my body, my skin, and my mind. I do not regret the wrinkles nor the dark spots nor the erosion of memories, all that reminds me that my time in this world is running out. I really don’t. I have made peace with my elderness; I have accepted, I embraced.

One thing hits my heart is my worries of how I will leave this earth later. Will I stay alone? And lonely?

Of course some of you, readers, who knew me personally, will protest: How come you say you are alone? You have your children and family and friends.

I have, indeed.

Oh, how I am very grateful to have them all. Amazing parents, lovely three children, fabulous family, awesome friends…

But, realize this, even my children can not cross this certain area. The area that can only be filled with the person. The soulmate. The one who was created as my pair. Is that too much to ask?

For you, wise readers, who was never married before, I can understand your sceptical thinking about this. Why is it matter? Love is not everything. Marriage is certainly not everything either. Why does it have to be a big of a deal?

Well, maybe it’s not a big deal for you. But for me, it is. We are different. I know me. I know myself better than any of you. Don’t force me to apply your idealism as I never force mine to you. 🙏

I made mistakes in my past marriages. And I longed to correct it before I die. But I can’t correct it with the men I married before, it doesn’t work that way. Their time with me is done.

And I know for sure, they will not grow to the level that is qualify enough to carry this responsibility in the future with me–sorry to say. Why? Because I know, some people just don’t change. I know them. I literally slept with them for years to know them inside out. 😅

To be continue… 😽💕

No one

No one can choose when and to whom to fall in love with, but one can choose whether to ignore or embrace the feeling. I chose to embrace it, the moment I realize I am in love with you.

And then the universe seems to conspire with the time, convincing me that I am indeed was made from your missing rib; that my purpose of creation was solely to love and dedicate my life to you.

We have lived our decades in the ocean of lessons of pain, sorrow, loneliness, as well as joy. We are old and wise enough to understand that Allah most likely chose you for me, as I am for you.

I know how much frightening trusting can be, but come take my hand. Let’s be brave. Take risk with me.

I promise you one thing; even though I am not perfect, I might get scared, I might slip in fear, but Inshaallah you will always find my hands holding you.

Be my rock, baby, and I will be your crib.

he’s right

He’s right.

I always want more from him.
I want his heart.
I want his love.
I want his presence by my side every day.


Because it makes me happy.
It makes me feel peaceful and fulfilled.

But at the same time, I’m also scared.
Very much.
Scared to trust my life and heart in one’s hand again.
Scared that I’ll get hurt worse.
Scared that I can’t be the person he expected to meet his standards.

But you see, thinking of losing him scared me more.
Death, I can understand. I can accept.
But losing him because I’m too coward to take the risks and consequences–that scared me more..

Yes, this is my late night gibberish.

Somehow I feel empty lately.
I feel lifeless.
I’ve lost my will to stay motivated.
It’s all gone.

Now I’m just a walking zombie.
Living my life day by day with no desire to plan anything at all.
Just filling my hours to breathe and survive the day, thinking tomorrow I’ll have to do this all over again..

Not that it’s his fault though. He has nothing to do with what happens in my life and what’s inside my head.

But, honestly, I just feel that, with him, my life has a new purpose. I’m feeling alive again. Motivated again. Although I am not going to burden him with that.

He has no obligation whatsoever toward me. Just because I said all those things doesn’t mean that he has to do it out of pity, because he doesn’t want to disappoint me.

Please never pity me as long as I live.

Just don’t.

I am the one who responsible for my own feelings and thinking.
He is completely free to do whatever he wanted to do, even though it might make me sad. Just don’t mind me. Don’t think about me.

Yeah. I always think too much.

He’s right.

Kala Kehilangan

Pada satu poin, semua manusia akan merasakan kehilangan. Ditinggal yang terkasih, keluarga, orang tua, anak, kakak/adik, sahabat, teman lama, rekan kerja… Kehilangan barang favorit, peliharaan kesayangan, pekerjaan favorit, hubungan asmara, dan lain-lain.

Menghadapinya, mungkin reaksi manusia bisa kesal, jengkel, kecewa, marah, merasa sial dan paling malang sedunia, bahkan menyalahkan Allah sambil bertanya, “Kenapa saya mengalami ini, ya Allah? Apa salah saya?” (Heee… kalau mau jujur sama diri sendiri, salahmu pasti segunung menjulang ke langit, hei manusia! 😁)

Pertama-tama: jangan panik. SEMUA yang bernapas, bernyawa, berjiwa, berakal, PASTI mengalami kesusahan; mengalami ujian, cobaan, tantangan. Jadi ngga perlu merasa panik dan berpikir, “Ya Tuhan, kenapa gue terlahir untuk merasa sakit separah ini?”–wow, man, grow up! Mengasihani diri sendiri itu cukup 1 menit. Selebihnya cepat bangkit, berdiri, dan berlari lagi.

Kedua, kita nggak sendirian. Betapapun cobaan tersebut mengakibatkan kita, misalnya, skeptis kepada Allah, percaya deh, Allah ngga membalas skeptis ke kita. Meski kita mungkin “bete” sama Allah, Allah nggak akan bete sama kita. Bahkan, pertolongan Allah ada di sekitar kita. Melalui keluarga, sahabat, teman, bahkan peliharaan kesayangan, Allah akan menghibur kita, menguatkan kita, menyemangati kita, memotivasi kita untuk bangkit dan menjadi manusia yang lebih baik daripada kemarin.

Yang perlu kita lakukan “hanyalah” berpikir lebih jernih, melihat lebih dekat, mendengarkan lebih saksama, dan…..ini terpenting: POSITIVE THINKING. Terutama, positive thinking (husnuzon) kepada Allah.

Saya tahu, semua teori di atas itu, praktiknya sama sekali nggak mudah ketika kita benar-benar menghadapi kesusahannya. Makanya kita selalu diingatkan untuk bersabar. Karena dalam proses bersabar itu ada latihan fokus yang mampu membuat kita berpikir lebih jernih, lebih cerdas, lebih jeli, dan akhirnya, lebih kreatif.

Bersyukurlah diberi kesusahan. Karena dengan begitu, Allah juga menunjukkan siapa saja orang-orang yang tulus kepada kita. Tapi ingat, ya, nggak perlu membenci orang yang nggak tulus sama kita. Anggap saja, mungkin memang “frekuensi” dan orientasi berpikir mereka berbeda sama kita. Kita nggak bisa menyalahkan cara berpikir manusia, karena semua manusia berpikir berdasarkan level kebijaksanaan dan kecerdasan mereka, sesuai pengalaman hidup dan kemampuan mereka mencernanya menjadi pelajaran.

Di sisi lain, ingat hukum seleksi alam, sunatullah: orang-orang baik akan berkumpul dengan orang-orang baik. Begitu pula sebaliknya. Jadi kalau kita ingin dikelilingi orang-orang baik, jadilah baik lebih dulu. Janji Allah itu tepat.

Ehem, intinya, ketika kita kesusahan dan kehilangan, jangan panik. Sabar sambil lihat ke sekeliling. Yakinlah, ada bantuan Allah melalui orang-orang baik. 😉🙏

Happy weekends.

ayo terus menulis (dan membaca)

Memiliki kemampuan menulis itu kadang bikin kaget sendiri. Terutama saat membaca ulang tulisan-tulisan lama.

Kaget, karena jadi teringat bahwa kita dulu pernah memiliki pemikiran sebrilian (atau senaif?) itu. Kita jadi bisa melihat betapa kita sekarang sudah lebih berkembang, atau malah lebih menurun. Haha..

Buat saya, menulis di blog bukan sekadar hobi atau wadah berekspresi, tapi juga semacam “milestone” batin/mental pribadi bahwa grafik cara berpikir dan opini saya sudah berada di level tertentu. Mungkin saya sendirilah yang bisa menilai, apakah cara berpikir saya sekarang lebih beradab, atau malah lebih jahiliyah?

Dan, karena menulis bisa menjadi media untuk mengoreksi diri sendiri, makanya selagi mampu, saya tidak akan pernah berhenti menulis; Saya akan terus mengekspresikan pemikiran, mendidik diri untuk berkembang, dan memacu diri untuk berinovasi minimal terhadap diri sendiri, bahkan “memaksa” diri untuk bisa menulis sesuatu yang bakal berguna bagi orang lain.

Blog pribadi saya ada tagline simpel: “Live to Learn to Live”, karena sesungguhnya kita ini hidup untuk belajar tentang hidup. Di deskripsi blog saya juga simpel: “Keep writing. It might save other people’s life.” (Teruslah menulis. Siapa tahu bisa menyelamatkan hidup orang lain).

Kesimpulannya, ayo terus menulis.

Practice makes perfect. Jangan puas dengan kemampuan yang ada sekarang. Bahkan penulis best seller pun, kalau dia terlalu puas dengan kehebatannya, trus lama berhenti menulis (plus ngga mau membaca) kemampuannya pasti jadi tumpul dan jeblok lagi. Makanya skill menulis itu harus terus diasah. Semangat!

kenapa Allah membiarkan hidup ini berat?

english-verSuatu hari anak saya bertanya, “Jika Allah itu Maha Penyayang, kenapa kita diberikan cobaan dan masalah-masalah yang berat, Mam? Kenapa ada perang di dunia, masa sih Allah membiarkan hal-hal buruk terjadi pada manusia?”

Mendengarnya saya tersenyum. Itu pertanyaan yang pernah saya tanyakan ke guru mengaji waktu saya masih bocah. Dan, layaknya sejarah–cenderung selalu berulang, pertanyaan itu ditanyakan oleh anak saya. Kemudian saya mencoba menjawab, meski tidak persis seperti yang dikatakan ustadzah saya tiga dekade lalu (secara lupa jawaban persisnya gituloh, hehe..)

“Pernah ngga kepikiran, kalau manusia dikasih mudah melulu maka manusia ngga akan belajar, gak akan bertumbuh jadi kuat dan bijak, bahkan jadi gak mampu bersyukur sama nikmatnya kemudahan. Lha wong manusia dikasih nikmat sedikit aja biasanya malah lupa sama Allah kok.

Ada manusia yang diberi kemudahan, lalu dia merasa di atas angin, berkuasa, eeeh jadi bersikap seenaknya, lupa bahwa ada lagi Dzat mahakuasa yang bisa sewaktu-waktu mengambil kekuasan dia. Ketika akhirnya betulan kekuasaan dia itu ditarik kembali oleh Allah, diberi kesusahan, baru deh dia nangis-nangis minta ampun, dan tobat. Tapi saat dikasih kemudahan lagi, lupa lagi deh. Hehe.. Ya begitulah sifat manusia pada umumnya. Hanya sedikit manusia yang benar-benar komitmen pada tobatnya. Mudah-mudahan anak-anak mamam dan mamam sendiri, insya Allah, bisa termasuk golongan manusia yang “sedikit” itu. Kita ngga perlu jadi golongan mayoritas, cukup jadi minoritas, yang penting benar-benar mendapat ridho Allah.”

“Trus kenapa masih ada perang di dunia? Kenapa ada kejahatan?” tanya dia lagi, kurang puas rupanya.

“Kalau ngga ada kejahatan, apa kamu akan mengerti apa itu kebaikan?” saya balik bertanya. Anak saya terdiam, berpikir.

“Apa kamu akan ngerti mana yang benar kalau ngga ada yang salah?” tanya saya lagi. Anak saya mengangguk-angguk.

“Perang. Menurut mamam pribadi, perang adalah achievement tertinggi ego manusia. Namanya ego, apa ada bagusnya? Kamu pahami sendirilah. Di sisi lain, memang ada pihak-pihak yang sengaja melestarikan perang. Karena tanpa perang, mereka gak bisa kaya raya dari berjualan senjata. Tapi itu bahasan politik level tinggi, kamu belum perlu tahu.” Saya berhenti sampai situ, karena itu pembahasan untuk lain kali aja, kalau anak-anak sudah lulus kuliah dan siap melihat dunia yang sebenarnya. Hehehe… Hanya saja, anak saya tertawa mendengar kalimat terakhir mamanya tadi. Saya cuma bisa berasumsi anak saya insya Allah lebih cerdas daripada emak-bapaknya (they better be!) jadi tanpa saya jelaskan, mereka sudah mampu menangkap maknanya.

“Anyways, mamam yakin, Allah bukannya membiarkan kejahatan terjadi di muka bumi. Pastinya mudah saja untuk Allah memusnahkan suatu bangsa, seperti yang dilakukan-Nya kepada kaum Tsamud dan ‘Aad. Tapi kali ini mungkin Allah ingin melihat usaha manusia membantu sesamanya. Mungkin Allah ingin manusia belajar mengatasi masalahnya sendiri. Karena hanya dengan cara belajar itulah manusia bisa berevolusi, berkembang jadi lebih kuat, lebih tangguh, lebih pintar. Ya pastinya ada aja manusia unggulan yang ternyata malah jadi lebih jahat. Tapi pasti Allah juga sudah menciptakan manusia-manusia unggul yang berakhlak baik, sebagai penyeimbang. Nah, di situlah letak makna Allah Maha Adil. Wallahu a’lam.

Ini semua, kebaikan dan kejahatan, sudah berjalan sejak Nabi Adam diturunkan ke bumi. Sekarang tinggal kitanya saja memutuskan, mau jadi golongan jahat atau baik? Kalau mau jadi baik, mintalah sama Allah yang berkuasa atas hati dan mampu membolak-balikkan hati:


Wahai (Dzat) yang membolak-balikkan hati, tetapkanlah hatiku di atas agama-Mu dan di atas ketaatan kepada-Mu.

Menurut hadist, itu doa yang paling sering Rasulullah, SAW amalkan. Sudah diajarkan oleh Rasulullah, ayo kita ikuti supaya nggak keliru arah pulangnya kelak.”

“Aamiin. Siaaap,” sahut si bocah.

Alhamdulillah punya anak-anak yang cara berpikirnya “nyeleneh”, jadi emaknya gak boleh lengah leha-leha, justru musti belajar lebih banyak supaya nggak kalah kritis sama mereka. Hehehe..

Semangat Selasa, all.


menerima lebih berat daripada melawan

Secara insting, biasanya manusia takut pada hal-hal yang tidak dimengertinya. Takut tak mampu mengatasinya. Pun, manusia takut pada hal-hal yang tidak bisa diantisipasi atau di luar kendalinya.
Padahal sejatinya, manusia memang tak mampu mengendalikan segala sesuatu yang terjadi dalam hidup. Hanya Tuhan yang bisa. Namun kita sering melupakan ini. Karena hidup dan lingkungan kita lebih banyak mendidik kita menggunakan logika, cenderung mengabaikan kekuatan keyakinan kepada Ilahi, Sang Maha Kuasa. Bahkan tak sedikit di antara manusia, yang lebih percaya kepada logikanya dibandingkan kepada keyakinannya terhadap Sang Kuasa.
Menggunakan logika, perhitungan di atas kertas, ya tak keliru juga sih. Namun jika kita yakin bahwa Allah itu ada, setelah logika maka berikutnya adalah keyakinan. So, apa ya, namanya. Tawakal, mungkin?
Saya sharing ini bukan karena sok bijak, melainkan karena saya (dan mungkin banyak kawan-kawan lainnya juga) sedang mengalami suatu kondisi yang dirasa di luar kendali kita. Jujur saja, setiap menghadapi problem, reaksi pertama saya adalah “melawan”-nya. Padahal saya tahu, ada hal-hal tertentu yang tidak bisa diatasi dengan cara melawan. Mayoritas problem justru hanya bisa diatasi dengan cara menerima.
Masalahnya, menerima itu jauh lebih berat daripada melawan.
Ah.. Entahlah. Saya hanya bisa mengatakan, “Seburuk apapun permasalahan, akhirnya akan berlalu juga.”–this too, shall pass.

imperfect contemplation

“God giveth and God taketh away.”

I’ve heard that before. From a Bible, I think.

In Islam, we learned,

“For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.” (Q.S. 94 Ash-Sharh: 5-6)

I know, those verses do not have the same “meaning”. But in my paralleled (and probably twisted) mind of mine, they are. Not the same, maybe, but related; at least, in my imperfect contemplation last night.

God gave me incredible children, alhamdulillah. All are smart and fluent in reading Al Qur’an. My oldest is now a freshman in Universitas Indonesia majoring Japanese. So is his sister, a freshman in Universitas Islam Negeri majoring English. And my youngest has just started his first grade in elementary, and already fluent in reading and typing/writing. God gave me great offsprings, alhamdulillah.

And to balance it all, God took away my soulmate. I’ve none, since the end of 2013. And judging from my life so far, reaching the age of 40, I’m pretty sure that my soulmate is dead. I can literally hear God speaks, “Thou needed no mate.” 😀

Well, if God wanted so, what can I do? I can only wish God would also added “total numb of the heart” in one package for such destiny to me. Hehe.. Would that be considered cheating—hope not. Because I’m a creature of romance. Loveless life is too painful for me. So, all I can ask of God is numbness, for my soulmate is dead.

The rest? I’ll just enjoy the ride. Then, again, I hear God says, “With hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.”

Oh dear, Allah, is this a reminder of me, that You alone is sufficient for me?


May you all have a great Friday

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