I always want more from him.
I want his heart.
I want his love.
I want his presence by my side every day.
Because it makes me happy.
It makes me feel peaceful and fulfilled.
But at the same time, I’m also scared.
Scared to trust my life and heart in one’s hand again.
Scared that I’ll get hurt worse.
Scared that I can’t be the person he expected to meet his standards.
But you see, thinking of losing him scared me more.
Death, I can understand. I can accept.
But losing him because I’m too coward to take the risks and consequences–that scared me more..
Yes, this is my late night gibberish.
Somehow I feel empty lately.
I feel lifeless.
I’ve lost my will to stay motivated.
It’s all gone.
Now I’m just a walking zombie.
Living my life day by day with no desire to plan anything at all.
Just filling my hours to breathe and survive the day, thinking tomorrow I’ll have to do this all over again..
Not that it’s his fault though. He has nothing to do with what happens in my life and what’s inside my head.
But, honestly, I just feel that, with him, my life has a new purpose. I’m feeling alive again. Motivated again. Although I am not going to burden him with that.
He has no obligation whatsoever toward me. Just because I said all those things doesn’t mean that he has to do it out of pity, because he doesn’t want to disappoint me.
Please never pity me as long as I live.
I am the one who responsible for my own feelings and thinking.
He is completely free to do whatever he wanted to do, even though it might make me sad. Just don’t mind me. Don’t think about me.
Yeah. I always think too much.