Six years and counting..
I’ve been here before. But that time, I was much younger, much attractive, more full of life.
I am older now. Much older. Forty-two and still need to face what I have been through 16 years ago. As if history repeats itself.
Although this time is different. This time, my energy has ran out. This time, my optimism going thinner. I fully realize that I am not getting younger and I cannot turn back the time.
Certainly, I welcomed the years that carved its marks on my face, my body, my skin, and my mind. I do not regret the wrinkles nor the dark spots nor the erosion of memories, all that reminds me that my time in this world is running out. I really don’t. I have made peace with my elderness; I have accepted, I embraced.
One thing hits my heart is my worries of how I will leave this earth later. Will I stay alone? And lonely?
Of course some of you, readers, who knew me personally, will protest: How come you say you are alone? You have your children and family and friends.
I have, indeed.
Oh, how I am very grateful to have them all. Amazing parents, lovely three children, fabulous family, awesome friends…
But, realize this, even my children can not cross this certain area. The area that can only be filled with the person. The soulmate. The one who was created as my pair. Is that too much to ask?
For you, wise readers, who was never married before, I can understand your sceptical thinking about this. Why is it matter? Love is not everything. Marriage is certainly not everything either. Why does it have to be a big of a deal?
Well, maybe it’s not a big deal for you. But for me, it is. We are different. I know me. I know myself better than any of you. Don’t force me to apply your idealism as I never force mine to you. 🙏
I made mistakes in my past marriages. And I longed to correct it before I die. But I can’t correct it with the men I married before, it doesn’t work that way. Their time with me is done.
And I know for sure, they will not grow to the level that is qualify enough to carry this responsibility in the future with me–sorry to say. Why? Because I know, some people just don’t change. I know them. I literally slept with them for years to know them inside out. 😅
To be continue… 😽💕