fatally forgotten?

Despite the uncomfortable past I had with my ex husband, he is still that type of person I can rely on many MANY things. He is that helpful type, sincere and efficient kind of guy. Even after we separated for so many years, he will always come to my aid when I asked him to. That is the quality and kindness of his, the main reason why I decided to marry in back in 2007.

But, well, situation changed. Sometimes, even good people can make bad decisions. Of course it’s forgivable. Sadly, my trust already crushed. So… Just like that proverb saying, Even good thing must meet its end.

Ah, let it go. Case closed. No need to reminiscing on that moment anymore.

Let’s get the train back to the track..

Anyway, I almost messaged him by whatsapp, asking him to accompany me to a wedding ceremony that will take place in Bandung, West Java–my hometown, about 100 km from this city I’m living in, forgotten that my ex is now living in Surabaya, East Java (about 650 km away from Jakarta).

And the “fatal” one is that, I completely forgotten that he is now MARRIED. Haha.. Dang it! Where’s your head, Nina? ๐Ÿคฃ

Happy weekend, folks. โค๏ธ

menikah, buat apa?

Hari ini tetiba teringat obrolan dengan seorang kawan:

Loe nikah buat apa? Buat punya anak? Nerusin keturunan? Emangnya loe keturunan raja, darah birunya harus dilestarikan? Penting banget? Harus banget punya anak? Mendingan loe angkat anak yatim, itu lebih bermanfaat, daripada elo menuh-menuhin dunia dgn keturunan loe yang belum tentu juga berguna bagi negeri ini.

Saya ngakak mendengar pertanyaan dan argumennya. Tapi masuk akal. Sempat saya merenungi kalimatnya juga sih.

However, saya jawab dia soal alasan menikah. Blak-blakan.

“Nikah ya biar halal lah. Gw hanya manusia, yang punya nafsu, termasuk birahi. Dan karena gw gak mau sama dengan binatang yang kalo birahi bisa siapa aja disikat yang penting lubang, ya gw kudu nikah sebelum menyalurkan nafsu birahi gw lah ya. Dengan menikah, nafsu gw tersalurkan dengan benar dan Tuhan gw, insyaa Allah, menyukai dan meridhoi jalan tersebut. Ujungnya, tentu baik, barokah, buat gw dan pasangan gw dong?”

Gantian dia ketawa mendengar jawaban saya. Dia bilang, “Bagus. Jujur banget. Ngga normatif atau standar. Salut.”

Nah, soal meneruskan keturunan, saya jawab, “Ngga harus sih, tapi kebetulan Allah udah mempercayakan gw jadi ibu yang melahirkan anak sendiri. Saat proses bikinnya sih, ngga diniatin gw harus hamil juga. Alami aja. Hamil alhamdulillah, ngga hamil-hamil, ya bener loe bilang tadi, angkat anak yatim, lebih barokah. Lah kebetulan gw hamil, sampe beranak tiga begini, ya disyukuri dan didoain semoga anak-anak gw berguna bagi agama, keluarga, sekitar, dan bangsanya.”

Dia ngakak lagi, trus bilang, “Baguslah, elo emang fair dan paham apa fungsi loe dalam hidup.”

๐Ÿ˜… Haha..

Seru juga ngobrol sama orang tipe nyeleneh kayak kawan saya itu. Ke mana ya orangnya? Mudah-mudahan beliau selalu sehat dan bahagia dengan pilihan-pilihannya dalam hidup. ๐Ÿ™

Jumat Barokah, KawaNina. Bahagia itu kita sendiri yang membuat, lho. Jadi, definisikan sendiri bahagiamu, jangan sampai didikte orang lain. So, semangat ya! โœŠ๐Ÿ˜Šโค๏ธ

orang baik sering disia-siakan?

Orang baik lebih sering disia-siakan oleh pasangannya, kenapa?

Hmmm.. Kenapa ya?

Saya kok ya sering banget menemukan pertanyaan seperti ini. Mulai dari orang curhat, sampai baca komik atau artikel, rerata tercetus kalimat begitu, “Orang baik, kok disia-siakan? Apakah yang bersangkutan kurang baik?”

KawaNina, saya sendiri nggak bisa menjawabnya. Apalagi karena saya juga termasuk orang yang disia-siakan, walaupun saya tidak merasa diri masuk dalam kategori “orang baik”. Saya hanya berpikir, mungkin saya dinilai kurang baik oleh pasangan saya, sehingga dia memilih untuk mengabaikan, mencuekiโ€”bahasa opo iki mencueki?

Intinya ya, menyia-nyiakan. Lalu ujungnya, saya hanya bisa terdiam dan membiarkan waktu membuktikan, siapa yang merasa paling merugi saat kehilangan satu sama lain.

Suatu kali, terkait ini, ada seseorang yang menyahut, “Orang yang menyia-nyiakan istri/suami yang baik adalah orang yang tak bersyukur.” Saya berpikir, bisa jadi itu jawabannya. Entahlah..

Ada juga yang mengatakan, “Orang baik itu biasanya tangguh, sehingga orang lain berasumsi jika disakiti, mereka (orang baik) akan tetap baik-baik saja dan tetap bersikap baik.”

Hmmm.. Entahlah.. Kalau Keluarga dan KawaNina, kira-kira tahu ndak jawabannya? ๐Ÿ˜Š

Wrote on my Facebook, Oct 31, 2016

hey, you..

Hey, you,
The man whose name Allah has written on the Lauhul Mahfuz for me;
The name I whispered daily to reach His ‘Arsy,
Hurry come to me.

Bind me in halal way.
Love me.
Love my children.
Love my family.
Do your best to make me happy:
body, heart, mind, and soul,
in this dunya as well as akhirah.

I will tripled what ever you do, inshaallah,
And one day, I will witness in front of our Rabb
That if Allah grant me with His jannah,
I will only cross the gate with your hands in mine
Only you, my husband.
Nobody else.

๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡ฉ

Hey, kamu,
Lelaki yang Allah tuliskan namanya di Lauhul Mahfuz untukku;
Anonim yang kubisikkan hingga naik ke Arsy-Nya,
segeralah datang.

Halali aku.
Cintai aku.
Cintai anak-anakku.
Cintai keluargaku.
Bahagiakan aku:
lahir, hati, pikiran, dan batinku
di dunia dan akhirat

Aku akan membalas kebaikanmu tiga kali lipat, insyaa Allah,
Dan kelak bersaksi di hadapan Rabb kita,
Jika Allah meridhoi aku dengan jannah-Nya,
Aku hanya akan melintasi gerbang jannah itu sambil menggandengmu.
Hanya kamu, suamiku.
Tak ada yang lain.

my home is your two arms

๐Ÿ‡ฌ๐Ÿ‡ง

Understanding you is by listening carefully to things that you don’t say. Accepting you is by trusting more in your gestures than all your words.

Thank you for always taking care of me. Alhamdulillah, you provided me with your time and attentions. Indeed Allah is the best for choosing you as the owner of my heart. For me, loving you as best I can is a mandate from my Rabb.

Hopefully one day, the distance between you and me will be two millimeters left. And, the continents which separate us today, will become a fertile field for us to plant our hope.

Remember, my home is your two arms, where ever you are.

๐Ÿ‡ฒ๐Ÿ‡จ

Memahamimu adalah mendengarkan dengan cermat hal-hal yang tidak kamu ucapkan. Menerimamu adalah lebih memercayai ungkapan sikapmu dibandingkan semua perkataanmu.

Terima kasih kamu selalu menjagaku. Alhamdulillah, kamu mencukupi aku dengan waktu dan perhatianmu. Tak salah Allah memilihmu sebagai pemilik hatiku. Bagiku, mencintaimu semampuku merupakan amanah dari Rabb-ku.

Semoga suatu hari, jarak antara kamu dan aku hanya tersisa dua milimeter saja. Dan, benua yang hari ini memisahkan, kelak menjadi ladang subur bagi kita menanam asa.

Mengertilah, rumahku adalah kedua lenganmu, di mana pun kamu berada.

KamisRomantis ๐Ÿ˜Šโค๏ธ๐Ÿ’œ

‘Moga Doa Jadi Nyata

Alarm.

Tangan saya meraih hape dan menggesernya ke kata “dismiss”. Saya lebarkan mata, mengusap wajah, lalu melihat ke sosok lelap di kanan saya. Punggungnya naik turun, bernapas tenang.

“Baby, wake up. Waktunya qiyamul lail,” desah saya di telinga pak suami sambil memeluk dia dan mengecup lembut pelipisnya. Yang dikecup malah menggeliat dan menarik selimutnya sampai kepala.

Tertawa, saya ulangi kalimat tadi, berulang kali seraya menekan, menggelitik area leher, punggung, pinggang. Pak suami mulai mengeluarkan suara berat, enggan, “Ng.. Alright, alright..”

Sekali lagi saya memeluk dia sayang. Tangan saya di pinggangnya, bibir saya di lehernya–kira-kira. Kan ketutup selimut. ๐Ÿ˜ Saya sengaja meniup napas lebih keras di bagian lehernya, di titik cumbu kesukaan dia. Semenit. Pak suami mulai kegelian, merasakan tiupan hangat dari mulut saya. Haha.. Dia bergoyang enggan, mencoba melepaskan diri. Saya terkikik. Saya suka menggodanya begitu.

Saya turunkan selimut dari kepalanya dan kembali mengecup pelipis Pak suami, sebelum akhirnya melepaskan lengan dan bangkit dari ranjang. Saya duduk di pinggir tempat tidur, mencari sandal kamar. Belum sempat saya berdiri, Pak suami setengah membalik badan, menahan lengan. Suaranya manja, “Baby..”

Hng! Tau deh. Dia pasti jadi horny gegara saya kecup lehernya tadi. Hahahaha.. Istri selalu tau bagaimana cara “membangunkan” lahir batin suami, bukan? ๐Ÿ˜œ

“Aissss nanti ajaa.. Abis tahajjud. It’s a promise,” saya tertawa kecil sambil kembali memeluk dia. Kali ini dia menyambut tawa saya dengan bibirnya. Semenit. Dua menit. Wahhh gawat! Kalau tidak dihentikan sekarang, ngga akan berhenti ini mah. ๐Ÿ˜‚

“Aduuuh, come on. Not now. Anak bandel,” saya tergelak, menghindar ciuman dan jelajah tangannya lebih jauh.

Syukurlah, kali ini Pak suami mau bekerja sama. Tidak seperti kemarin malam. Dan malam sebelumnya. Dan sebelumnya lagi. Wadaw, sudah 10 malam absen tahajjud gegara menjalankan ibadah yang lebih wajib. ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜œ

Tampaknya Pak suami juga sepikiran dengan saya. “Baiklah, dini hari ini kita rehat dan mojok sama Allah dulu, bareng kamu,” ujarnya.

Saya tersenyum lebar, mengecup pipinya dan berbisik, “Awesome idea. I love you, Baby.”

“I love you more,” jawab dia.

“I love you the most,” sahut saya lagi.

“You better,” katanya lagi, membuat saya terkekeh. Itu empat kalimat selalu kami ucap bergantian, siapa pun yang memulainya.

Saya bangkit dari tempat tidur, menuju kamar mandi. Pak suami menyusul di belakang saya, langsung menyalip ke toilet.

“Iiih iiih.. curang! Aku kan bangun duluan,” saya cemberut.

Dia tertawa, “Kamu geboy sih.” Tapi dia tidak menutup pintu kamar mandi, jadi saya menyelinap ke balik pintu, menuju area shower dan menyalakan airnya, kecil.

“Kamu mau mandi?” tanya dia.

Saya, masih tetap manyun manja, “Ngga ah. Kalau aku mandi, kamu pasti ikutan, dan akhirnya kita nge-skip tahajud lagi, kayak berapa malam lalu.” Dia terkekeh. Saya berwudhu. Selesai, saya melihat pak suami terkantuk-kantuk duduk di toilet.

Saya ciprati wajahnya dengan air wudhu. Matanya terbuka, agak kaget, tapi pastinya dia sudah mengira saya akan menciprati wajahnya. Saya memang suka begitu ke dia. Sekarang ekspresi pak suami malah sengaja seakan mengantuk berat. Matanya setengah terpejam dan mulutnya terbuka, sok-sok ngorok gitu.

“Ya Allah, jelek banget kamu, Baby. Minta cium, ya?” goda saya. Spontan ia mengerucutkan mulutnya, minta cium!

Saya tergelak, sambil membasuh wajahnya sekalian dengan air wudhu yang masih ada di tangan kanan, “Nanti ajaaaa.. Jangan mancing aku deh, kalau aku terpancing, gagal tahajud lagi ini.”

Saya buru-buru ngacir ke luar kamar mandi, meninggalkan pak suami yang tertawa geli, tapi sempat-sempatnya dia menepuk nakal ‘bumper’ belakang saya, sambil berseru kecil, “Soon, Baby. Soon! You’ll see..” Saya ngakak.

Selagi menunggu dia wudhu, saya bersihkan dan gelar sajadahnya. Saya lipat rapi sarung di bagian kaki, dan kopiah putih di bagian kepala. Tasbih peraknya, saya letakkan di meja kayu kecil yang terletak di pojok kanan, tak jauh dari sajadahnya. Pun Al-Qur’an, sudah saya letakkan di sana. Kode buat pak suami, dia pasti memahami.

Giliran saya menggelar sajadah untuk diri sendiri, di belakang sajadah dia, agak ke kanan. Saya kenakan mukena sutera berwana gading. Tak lama, pak suami keluar dari kamar mandi. Ia menatap saya sebentar, lalu geleng-geleng sambil tersenyum. Dia mengerti kenapa saya mengenakan mukena ini.

Satu dekade lalu, pak suami memberikan mukena gading saat melamar. Tak hanya cincin emas dengan 3 karat berlian yang ia sematkan di jari saya hari itu. Saya simpan baik-baik mukena gading ini, meski setiap tahun ia membelikan yang baru. Saya selalu mengenakan mukena ini sebagai pengingat.

“Alhamdulillah. Happy anniversary, Love. Thank you for having me,” ujarnya lembut, sambil mengecup dahi saya penuh sayang.

“Alhamdulillah.. Thank you for taking care of me,” balas saya.

Dia menggeleng, “No. Thank YOU. Kamu, yang selalu mengurus aku. Saat aku sehat, saat aku sakit, saat aku gembira, saat aku gusar, saat aku berduit, dan saat aku bokek berat, kamu tetap ada di sampingku, menggembirakan aku, menguatkan aku, menyejukkan aku, menentramkan aku.”

Ia merentangkan lengannya dan saya segera sembunyi di dalam peluknya. Kedua lengannya melingkar, erat, kepalanya bersandar lekat di kepala saya, the way I love it. His embrace is my home. Menyenangkan.

Kemudian kami melepaskan pelukan, mulai shalat. Sepertiga malam terakhir ini terasa amat syahdu. Dada saya berdebar kencang setiap mendengar suara takbirnya, membuat darah berdesir. Seperti bercinta, tapi lebih transendental. Menawan. Mengalun. Mengharukan.

Kesadaran saya berangsur pulih begitu ia berucap salam. Saya bergeming, sedikit tak sabar menunggu rangkaian puja-pujian untuk Allah dan Rasulullah. Kembali saya larut dalam doa indahnya. Usai ia tutup dengan doa sapu jagat, saya menggeser tubuh saya ke sampingnya.

Pak suami menoleh–he understands the drill. Dia menepuk bahunya, mengizinkan saya meletakkan kepala di sana, lalu ia mulai melantunkan ayat Qur’an. Buru-buru saya meraih Qur’an di meja kayu sebelah kanan kami. Dia tak perlu Qur’an untuk mengaji. Seluruh 30 juz melekat lengkap di ingatannya. Saya yang perlu.

Tanpa bicara, saya membuka Qur’an, “bertanya” surat apa yang dibaca. Pak suami memelankan suara sambil membolak-balik halaman. Telunjuknya berhenti di nama surat yang dimaksud, saya mengangguk, dan dia melanjutkan mujawwad-nya. Saya mendengarkan, dan sesekali mengoreksi ketika ada tajwid yang meleset. Setiap kali dia mengikuti koreksian, saya kecup pipinya, dan dia tersenyum, terus mengaji sambil menempelkan hidungnya di dahi saya.

Sampai sini, saya menghela napas. Berat dan panjang. Kembali ke realitas. Saya single. Dan sosok Pak suami yang saya tulis di dua episode terakhir ini adalah sebuah asa. Jika bisa dibilang, doa. Romansa pernikahan seperti itu yang tak henti saya pinta kepada Allah.

Utopis? Mungkin, tapi tak ada yang tak mungkin bagi Allah. Satu-satunya yang bisa saya lakukan adalah terus berdoa sambil memantaskan diri saya, agar Allah akhirnya mengirimkan sosok seperti itu ke dalam hidup saya, sebagai imam terakhir saya di dunia dan akhirat. Semoga. Hanya bisa berharap kepada pemilik semesta. ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ˜

Semoga doa sederhana ini kelak menjadi kenyataan. Aamiin.. ๐Ÿ˜˜๐ŸŽ‰

just don’t if you didn’t

If you didn’t want to even try to love me,
then don’t try to make me love you.

If you didn’t want to take care of my heart,
then don’t let me take care of yours.

Stay away from me, or just let me go.

This is not fair what you’re doing..

I keep loving you and you keep taking me for granted.

This is not a game. The pain is real. ๐Ÿ˜ฃ And it will cost my trust.

Now I just pray Allah, either He changes your heart or He changes mine, I accept what ever His decision will be. ๐Ÿ’”

๐Ÿ“– Ruined June 2nd

you know, but you don’t

You always think you know, but I bet, you don’t.

You understand me, yes, but it’s because I am such an open book for you. I’m predictable, because I am always that honest one. I can’t even hide my expressions when I am happy, angry, or sad. I am transparent.

Yes, you knew that every time you fly to my homeland, I will track your flight with flight-radar apps on my phone. Because I am indeed like that.

But I bet you don’t know, I only do such thing to you. Never have I ever, in my entire life, do the same thing to others. Not even to my parents or other family members. ๐Ÿ˜… (Sorry, folks..)

You knew I would walk the extra miles to assist you. When ever you need something, I will help you out directly. It’s true that I always keep people’s trust. But I bet you don’t know, I always [unconsciously] put you as the top priority–when you need it today, you got it yesterday. You don’t know, that is something I don’t do to others.

If other people need my help, I will help on my term, not theirs. But when you need my help, I always do it on your term. Big difference. And I bet you don’t know that.

I bet you don’t know that I set two weather widgets on my phone’s home screen. One, my town’s weather forecast. Second, your town’s.

And I regularly look upon my phone screen just to peep on your town’s weather statement: “Is it raining? Is it hot? What’s the temperature? Are you cold? Put on your jacket. What’s the time there? Ah, you must be still sleeping now..” are the constant dialogue I have in mind. It makes me feel you, and got me somewhat stay close to you.

And when you visited another country–that you shared the information with me–I will create another weather widget for the town you were in that day. And removed the widget again once you return to your homeland.

I bet you don’t know that.

You may say that I am obsessed with you, but I honestly think it’s not true. I am not. I’m just….. in love. And I care about your well-being.

I made no shrine of you. I don’t think about you all the time. I have life too. I have other priorities too. My life does not evolve around you. I have better things to do too. It’s just my choice to put you first, because you are part of my life, for me.

I bet, you don’t even realize that.

And most of all, I never demanded you to do the same for me. I never pushed you to put me as your priority. I know my place and I never got in your way. I am even okay when you said you never loved me the way I want you to be. It’s okay.

Sure, I am sad that I have this one-sided love; that I will never have the chance to win your heart; that you will never ever loved me like a man to a woman; but, hey, what can I say? My heart wants what it wants.

If that’s wrong; if that’s weird, then blame The One who created my heart and put this stubborn feelings in me. He is the one responsible who wrote my destiny; my curse, for falling in love with my best friend.

I have to live with this every day; every hour; every second. It hurts to fall in love like this. I cry every now and then, even when I wasn’t thinking about you. I’m in agony. I’m in sorrow. I’m empty. But what can I say, this is the life that’s written for me. So, I accept. I swallow the bitterness.

I bet you don’t know that.

why has he not coming for me?

Oh, Allah, don’t let me live lonely and die broken-hearted.. ๐Ÿฅบ

I cried silly tonight. Alone, in my dark bedroom. The rain starts to pour as my tears dried. I lost the sparks of life within me. I just keep walking and surviving my daily life like zombie; Cold and empty.

But, none to blame. C’est la vie. Life happens.

six years and counting (2)

I remember talking to my dad about this “qualifications” stuff. Well, my dad and mom were also divorced, my (late) mom married again later on, but both my parents remain good friends, even dad is friend with my stepdad. Of course it takes time to reach that point. When mom died, my dad carried her coffin to her final resting place.

Anyways, back to my past conversation with Dad about qualifications, I asked him, why he never married again? He replied, the older you are the more careful you become. And the qualifications for your partner also going sky-higher. Because when years pass you by, you realized, trusting someone is getting harder now.

As years passing, you will witness there are worse and worse people in front of you. True, good, and pure people are very rare. Most of them already taken, and what’s left on the society are those who are…. disappointed with life.

Don’t get me wrong, I personally think all people are basically good. We all are born innocent and can always return to the kindness we should be. But some of us made terrible decisions in life that may hurt others, or worse, hurt ourselves. It wounded us. And it changed us.

Some of us think, we can’t go back and return to innocence. We have damaged others and it makes us feel worse, but in order to stay alive and comfortable about it, we numbed ourselves. Pretending nothing terrible happened in our lives leaving scars. Convincing ourselves all is good and all is in the past. We didn’t realize, some of those scars can poisoned us to certain level.

And if I can say something about this, for those who feels like this, please make peace with yourself. Forgive yourself. And forgive others. If you have wronged other people, apologize. You may not completely innocent anymore, but you are growing wiser now.

I won’t say it’s easy–it’s not. But nothing is easy in this world anyway. Do that, inshaallah, you will find peace and ready to be that kind-hearted person again.

Again, to be continued.. ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’•

six years and counting (1)

Six years and counting..

I’ve been here before. But that time, I was much younger, much attractive, more full of life.

I am older now. Much older. Forty-two and still need to face what I have been through 16 years ago. As if history repeats itself.

Although this time is different. This time, my energy has ran out. This time, my optimism going thinner. I fully realize that I am not getting younger and I cannot turn back the time.

Certainly, I welcomed the years that carved its marks on my face, my body, my skin, and my mind. I do not regret the wrinkles nor the dark spots nor the erosion of memories, all that reminds me that my time in this world is running out. I really don’t. I have made peace with my elderness; I have accepted, I embraced.

One thing hits my heart is my worries of how I will leave this earth later. Will I stay alone? And lonely?

Of course some of you, readers, who knew me personally, will protest: How come you say you are alone? You have your children and family and friends.

I have, indeed.

Oh, how I am very grateful to have them all. Amazing parents, lovely three children, fabulous family, awesome friends…

But, realize this, even my children can not cross this certain area. The area that can only be filled with the person. The soulmate. The one who was created as my pair. Is that too much to ask?

For you, wise readers, who was never married before, I can understand your sceptical thinking about this. Why is it matter? Love is not everything. Marriage is certainly not everything either. Why does it have to be a big of a deal?

Well, maybe it’s not a big deal for you. But for me, it is. We are different. I know me. I know myself better than any of you. Don’t force me to apply your idealism as I never force mine to you. ๐Ÿ™

I made mistakes in my past marriages. And I longed to correct it before I die. But I can’t correct it with the men I married before, it doesn’t work that way. Their time with me is done.

And I know for sure, they will not grow to the level that is qualify enough to carry this responsibility in the future with me–sorry to say. Why? Because I know, some people just don’t change. I know them. I literally slept with them for years to know them inside out. ๐Ÿ˜…

To be continue… ๐Ÿ˜ฝ๐Ÿ’•

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