Is there love for me, God?
Will I finally be happy, like everyone else who have found their better half?
Why can’t I escape this hollow feeling, while I already have so many other things fulfilling me and be grateful for?
Wise people always say, everything has its own time; things that are written for you will be yours in time, and that the path to walk on already laid under your feet, but why I still can’t see it?
Did I see it wrong?
Is it sinful wanting a real love?
Is this most basic need of human being unsuitable for me?
God created human in pairs, except me? Am I not human?
Some people don’t want love, but I do, and yet I never found the real one, do I not deserve it, God?
Was my creation never meant for love?
Then whose rib was I made from?
Was my name never written along with my pair in the Lauhul Mahfuz?
Loneliness kills you inside out.
These are the questions I had in my head repeatedly. And I can see demons in me laughing, shaytan loves it when I doubt Allah. But I am indeed only human, not as perfect and obedient as malaikas; I am weak sometimes, especially when lonely, although I’m never alone. It hurts to the bone and hang me in despair.
Even so, in the end, I still trust my Lord’s promises. I still trust Allah never let me go even when I’m lost in my search for His grace.
It’s just that… Time’s ticking. And instead of unfolding life, time hides my future even more. The unknown and uncertainty scare me the most. The fear has become anger, which now has turned into sadness.
May Allah still find me worthy saving. I am nothing without my Rabb.