The sentence above perhaps, the same classic argument between lovers or friends or family, around the world.
Apparently, not only in my country, Indonesia, people made this “you don’t understand me” reason become the pivotal issue for two, or more, people to quarrel each other.
To me, personally, it’s the lamest argument, ever. In fact, blatantly speaking, I STRONGLY dislike such sentence.
Why?
First of all, I hate quarreling. I mean, come on, don’t you think we are all too old to even do some quarrels like teenagers? I really think that adults should sit down, face to face, looking straight to the eyes, and communicate! Talk reasonably and logically. Stop talking about feelings–unless you are expressing how you love the person you are talking to.
Secondly, how the hell such sentence could be validated as an argument at all? This “understand me” thing is very selfish! I never wanted to be understood. Because if I wanted anyone to understand what I mean, I will explain it first to them, loud and clear.
And what makes you think I’m a paranormal? If you don’t explain yourself, or explain to me what you want or need from me, how can I know? If I didn’t know, how can I understand it? Life is not a guessing game!
In my younger time, I met a lot of boyfriends who demanded me to be more understanding to them. But then, they didn’t even give me a single clue of what they wanted or needed. And when I didn’t do what they want, they started to pout and saying, “You don’t understand me.”
Helloooo.. Who do you think your girlfriend is? A paranormal? I ain’t no paranormal. Get a grip on yourself.
^_^
Well, some might find I’m a cold-hearted bitch, but no Sir, I am not. I’m a rational woman. I think with my head, not with my heart. But I do FEEL with my heart, not with my head.
If you’re saying that, “you don’t understand me”, of course I will never understand you. Or perhaps, I will understand a little bit, thanks to experiences and fast-learning of one’s situation. But it’s all standard understanding.
If you wanted me to understand you a little more specific: about yourself, then TALK to me. COMMUNICATE with me. EXPLAIN me about yourself. I will take a careful note in my head, and my heart. So next time we’re facing something in the future, I will know what to do with you.
Simple, right? ^_^
Anyways, if I loved someone very much, I will automatically look deep within his soul. I’m feeling and attaching my heart into his heart, so I can learn him. Learn to understand him. He won’t need a lot of words to explain himself. He just need to tell me his personal life and experience, what he likes and don’t like, then I will know what to do next with his heart. And in that case, I will use my woman’s intuition. Trust me, woman’s intuition is never wrong.
So, guys, do us–ladies–a favor. If you wanted us to understand you: start COMMUNICATING. ^_^
Remember you will TRY to take me to lavender field. 🙂
I found you. Not on purpose.
It was like meant to be. As if destiny led me.
I found you. Didn’t expect you to say hello afterward.
And didn’t think I’d reply straight away either.
Never even dreamed this would lead my walk onto something..
Something called love.
I found you. God, yes, I found you.
The connection of you and I happened naturally.
As if we knew each other for thousands of years already.
You and I, we speak the same language. And it’s not English I am talking about.
You and I, we speak the language of the heart.
At that moment, I realize, I did not only find you.
I also found a new meaning of life.
I found a new course to the road of happiness.
I found my home. I found my soulmate. I found the love of my life.
Your wisdom stunned me. Your horizon amazed me. Your brightness amused me.
It was official: I adore you.
And since I’m a woman of “heart within words”, I don’t hide my feelings.
I told you everything I felt. As honest as I can.
As many times as I can,
So that you know that every time we talk, the feeling is multiplying.
Despite of my situation,
I’m in love with a young man I never met before.
In love with a young man I never laid my eyes on before.
But, I love you. I really do.
I’m in love with your thoughts. Your heart. Your soul.
Your lonely soul.
Yes, I saw darkness and weariness inside your bitter soul,
but I love you still.
At that time, I decided, nothing you did, do, and would do, will make me love you less.
I love you like the air fulfilling your lungs.
I love you the warmth wrapping your body. I love you like a bird to the sky, a fish to water
and a tree to the ground. I love you with all my heart and soul.
I love you both irrationally and rationally. And if you ask why do I love you, I don’t have the answer. I just do. It’s like I was meant to. It’s like I was born to do just that.
But the path I have crossed to find you is not a smooth one. Even so, I cherish every moment I’m spending with you, Even with this kind of way. It doesn’t matter to me. I feel happy already. And it makes me love you more.
I’m not worry of things that will happen in the future. All I know is right now. I love you right now, and I intend to love you tomorrow and the day after, and the years after, until my time on earth is up.
It’s alright if you don’t feel the same. We will take baby steps, and I can only hope that one day you will fall in love with me too.
But, 25 days after I found you, I lost you.
Over couples of misunderstanding and miscommunicating.
I tried to convince you, but you toss me away.
I tried to reach you, but you shut me out.
Barricaded me. As if my presence disgusted you.
You left in angry. You’re gone.
Left me hanging. Confused. Sad.
Broken hearted
I tried to walk away to different direction, but, somehow, something keeps me.
Something is calling me. Asking me to stay.
So, I couldn’t go.
Maybe I’m only fooling myself. Maybe you’re playing me.
Maybe. But it doesn’t matter.
All I know is that I’m bounded by my promises to you.
Even though my promises are none of your business and not your responsibility.
You might lose interest to even know me and not trusting me anymore.
But here I am, still. Standing. Waiting..
I dreamed of purple sky,
and the grand land of lavenders
The sun sets and rises, hidden in shy,
Between mists and sweet kisses
I can picture us two,
sitting quietly toward the horizon.
My head leans onto your shoulder.
And you gently lean your cheek to my head.
You give me tender kisses within our silence.
Your fingers entwined with mine
It makes our souls emerging,
melting became one.
Tamed.
United.
Bounded.
That moment, words have lost their meaning.
Because nothing can describe this beauty we’re feeling.
And all love songs in the world have failed
to compete this overwhelming love we’ve found
within each other.
That moment I finally realize
the true meaning of forever.
Because when I am with you,
the time freezes.
The world around us carries on,
while the space between you and I, is stopping.
This planet of you and I has this beautiful purple sky,
and the grand land of lavenders.
The sun sets and rises in shy
between the mists and sweet kisses.
One lifetime may not enough to answer the questions in one’s life. That’s why, I think, we need to learn others’ life experiences, and thinking wisely in adopting their wisdoms.
Few weeks ago, a little “coinaccident” (coincident-accident) conversation between me and my buddies happened on twitter. At some point, one of mi-buddies said that he has another blog managed by his-other-self. His alter ego. And that “guy” has the mind of his own.
Well, now, that’s an intriguing topic to discuss!
Alter ego. What is that? Is it necessary to have one? Is it needed? If I had one, how to manage it?
Hmm.. I may not exactly know the meaning of alter ego is, but it’s like Clark Kent to Kal El (Superman), Batman to Bruce Wayne, Spiderman to Peter Parker, Iron Man to Tony Stark. It’s like your other self. But not other identities, like alias. More like the manifestation of your inner self.
Okay, wait a minute, that’s my opinion about the definition. I might be wrong, so let’s see what the dictionary says about the formal definition of alter ego.
Wikipedia defines alter ego as follow: An alter ego (Latin, “the other I”) is a second self, which is believed to be distinct from a person’s normal or original personality. A person who has an alter ego is said to lead a double life. (Source: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alter_ego)
============================================
Well, I wasn’t so wrong to define it, was I?
image borrowed from pinterest
Q: Okay, so, does Nina have one?
A: I do. ^_^
Q: Why?
A: I have my own reason.
Q: Since when?
A: Since forever, I think. I don’t quite remember.
Q: What’s your alter ego’s name?
A: I don’t really have name for her. But in my childhood her name is Alvin–until I found out that Alvin is a name for a boy. Hahaha.. Then I changed her name to Sandra. But I don’t like it when she’s Sandra–she’s a pain in the ass *pardon my language*.
And when I was in high school (1994) I changed my alter ego’s name become Alex–inspired by a TV series “Sisters” (1991-1996)–these sisters have male dear-names; Alexandra was called Alex; Theodora, Teddy; Georgiana, Georgie; and Francesca, Frankie. I LOVE it! And so, I adopted the name Alex. And in time, the name became Alexa or Alyxx.
Q: So, her name is Alexa or Alyxx?
A: Yeap.
Q: Any surname?
A: Hmm.. not telling. ^_^
Q: Okay. So, are alter egos have to be the same gender with their real person?
A: Hmm.. I don’t think there’s any rule nor manual guidance about it, but most people has the same gender with their alter ego. But some has different gender alter ego, like singer Nicki Minaj and her Roman alter ego. ^_^
Q: Do you think it’s necessary to have one?
A: For me, yes. But I use it ocassionally, not all the time. Only in time of needed. And yes, sometimes it’s like she has the mind of her own (like Bisot’s).
Q: What for?
A: Well.. Let’s say… because I need a room to express my most honest-self. Alyxx IS that room. In my culture, a girl automatically carries a “burden” to behave ourselves in front of the society. Especially a girl of hijab, like me. You may call it a hidden-hypocrisy, but to me it’s nothing like that at all.
I see myself as pieces of puzzle. I have many elements in my characteristics, sometimes it’s contradicting with each other, depends on the mood I am in. I can be good and bad at the same time, I can be bitchy and angelic at the same time. It’s not hypocrisy. It’s just me. The whole puzzle is me. And Alyxx is part of that puzzle.
Q: What’s Alyxx mean to you?
A: Alyxx is my shell, my shield and my inner beast. She’s my dark side. She’s my mirror, my projector and my reflection. She’s everything I am and I am not.
Image belongs to geekytyrant.com
Q: Is her personality the same with yours?
A: Yes. Let me be frank, for me, alter ego and split personality are two different things. It’s not the same at all. You can’t control your other-self if it was split personality—like Jeckyll and Hyde; Bruce Banner and Hulk. You don’t control each other. They’re two different persons.
Alter ego is not like that. You are fully controlling your alter ego. But, as I said earlier, sometimes it’s like having the mind of its own–although I really think it’s my own mind, but hidden because of my burden of behaving myself I mentioned earlier..
Q: So you’re saying, Nina and Alyxx has the same personalities?
A: Yes, we do. But I’m nicer and she’s bolder.
Q: Have you ever confused of which are you right now, Nina or Alyxx?
A: So far, Nina have never confused. But Alyxx, almost always. Hahaha..
Q: Why is that?
A: Well, because Alyxx’s existence is under Nina’s permission and supervision.
Q: Okay. Are you happy with the existence your alter ego?
A: I certainly am! Because that means, I own the room to express myself further and deeper and stay in secrecy.
Q: Does any of your family know about this alter ego of yours?
A: No. Of course not. Even if they do, I don’t think they’d care.
Q: Any of your friends know?
A: Only friends who has alter egos too.. Because only people who owns alter ego understands each other, understand “our own kind”. But I do have a friend who doesn’t own alter ego, and yet she knows that I have one and she understands it perfectly and respect me equally. I’m blessed that I have wonderful, receptive and understanding friends like them. ^_^
Q: Is your alter ego making friend?
A: Of course. But only cyber friends and nothing more.
Q: Why not?
A: Hmm.. How to put this… well, she’s imaginary. Her character is imaginary, although the personality is real–because she’s my reflection. Beside, I don’t need an extra trouble or a double-life. But if there is someone attracted with this Alyxx, and came after her, and when in the end he’d find me, then he decided to keep me as a friend, or even more, it would be great! No. It would be AMAZING! But such thing, never happened. Hahaha..
Q: Who is your favorite alter ego superhero?
A: Definitely Selina Kyle and Catwoman. Like my Alyxx, Catwoman has her own moral code. She’s neither villain nor hero. And she doesn’t take order. She’d do anything she likes and you can’t force her to do something she doesn’t want. ^_^ She’s very much like Alyxx.
Q: What would you say to other people who has alter ego and people who want to have one?
A: To all comrades who have alter egos, I’d say, “Hell, yeah! Keep it rock and roll!” ^_^
And to all who wanted to have one, “Be true to yourself. Stay in control and everything will be alright. Good luck and God speed.” ^_^
Today I had the chance to finish something I was supposed to finish weeks ago. Alhamdulillah for this unwellness Allah casts me. It gives me some moment to rest my mind, my body and soul.
Since last Friday, I fell sick. Caught cold, well-known as “masuk angin” condition in my country. The sickness that usually caused by physical exhaustion and extreme weather. Both were happened to me, indeed. Two days in the row of extra duties at the office, heavy minds, plus extreme changes in our weather: sharp heat and heavy rains keep switching in turn by mere hours. And I kept travelled back home late night with taxi-motorcycle, since the car broke down a lot. And guess that my stamina was pretty low nowadays, so… voila! I was forced to rest on weekend. I even had to cancel my promise to attend the wedding of Pak Kusnan’s daughter with the whole office-mates. 😦
Anyways, there’s always a silver-lining beneath every dark clouds. So, in my resting time, I read the book Isky suggested me: Le Petite Prince. Or, “The Little Prince“. A book wrote by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.
It’s Isky’s favorite book. He read it since a kid. He keeps reading it, annually, both in English version and Russian version.
Reading it, troubled me at first, since I bought the English version eBook (because I couldn’t find the bahasa Indonesia translation). So I had to read it slowly and carefully, because it’s Isky’s favorite, so it must be very special.
And yes, it IS special. Like Isky himself.
It’s a sad, sad book. But I can’t find myself dislike it, at all. Although normally, I don’t like sad stories–they’re too depressing. No, the story is not a kind of dark-sad stories whatsoever. In contrary, the story is very deep. Philosophically. And it reminds me how I used to love philosophy. But the more I grow, the more the years passed me by–complete with its mountains of problems mostly unsolved–slowly buried my fond of such stories.
As The Little Prince said: grown-ups are odd, and altogether extraordinary. And like the thundery trains, grown-ups don’t know what they’re looking for or why are they always in rush. Only children knows what they’re looking for.
At this point, I envy children, and yet grateful that I was a child once, although it was not quite the most wonderful childhood any girl ever had. I grew too fast. I had to, regarding to the divorce of my parents and the fued between two families. But, Alhamdulillah, it all passed and peace has returned to my family although it takes years to consume and, alas, I was born as first-child–meaning that I experienced its hell a little longer than my other siblings.
Oh, enough about me. Let’s get back to this book Isky loves.
The book, in my opinion, revealed all the ridiculous things adults do. They–the grown-ups–are way too serious and must find only reasonable answer rather than being simply receptive like kids do. And when the grown-ups didn’t find any logical reason in particular situation, they’ll just abandon it. This, is like a slap on the face. How can we, the grown-ups, claimed to be “the adults” while all we are doing is becoming ignorant and unwise as the years pass by. And what we, grown-ups, lack in doing is to listen with the heart.
I love the quotes the fox says in the book:
It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.
I think, this quote is the whole idea of the story. It relates to the prince, his rose, his journey and everything he found in-between.
And my favorite character here is the fox and the rose. They kinda remind me of myself. The rose is my selfish side and the fox is my wise (and sad) side.
I wish I could tell Isky that I love this book. I can’t. He closes the door for me. Again. For good this time, I think. I made it worse for both of us, even though it was started from another misunderstanding. Before I “curhat” further, I shall stop here.
And as the tamed rose-fox of his, I shall weep a little when he left.
One runs the risk of weeping a little, if one lets himself be tamed…
Anyways, I gave the book 4.5 out of 5 stars. Worthy a reading.
When I’m feeling blue, my bestfriend told me these stories.
First story.
Once upon a time, there was a man in heap trouble, went to the home of the wealthiest man in town. This rich man well-known as a person who often gives help to those who needed. A philantropist, perhaps. When the two are finally met, this troubled-man said, “Sir, please help. I am truly in a need for a help.”
But the next thing that happen is out of expectation. The rich-man scolded and sent him away, “Go away, you. I don’t give help just like that to anyone. I only give help to the disable and blinds.”
Stunned, the troubled-man replied, “Yes I will leave, you greedy man. It is I who was blind. I should have never turn my face for your help. I should only turn my face to Allah and ask for His help instead.”
–the story of his, made me smile. ^_^
Second story.
There was a pious man who just passed away, and because of his good deeds during his lifetime, Allah rewards him the heaven as his home to return to. But, before he walks in the gate of heaven, he stood by Allah and asked, “O, Allah, Almighty, please show me of my lifetime with Thee.”
Allah, then, takes him to a place where beach sands are spread as far as the eyes can see. The pious man can see two pairs of footprints on the sands. Allah says, “These pair of footprints are Mine and these are yours.”
The pious man starts to observe and see, those two pairs of footprints often sees side by side where ever the course is. But at some spots, the two pairs of footprints cut off, and only one pair of footprints shows. Then the next meters away, they become two pairs of footprints side by side again. It happens repeatedly.
The pious man stops at the singled footprints.
He then asks, “O, Allah, this is the point when I was in the deepest trouble. Why did You abandoned me then, o, Allah?”
Allah was all smiling and answers, “What are you talking about. This is the moment when I used my hands to lift you up.”
–to this point, I’m a little confuse.
I asked my bestfriend, “So, the last pair of footprints are Allah’s?”
“Yes,” he answered me. And continued, “So Allah wasn’t abandoned him, but lifting him up where he stumbled and feeling that he couldn’t continue his journey.”
After reading his explanation, my tears were falling as the waterfall.
From these stories, my bestfriend reminded me: when you are in trouble, ask help only to Allah. He will never fail any of His servant who seek for His help. (Remember, Allah is the best help-provider). And when you are in trouble, Allah doesn’t leave you, but to lift you up to a higher degree of life.
Mashallah. Subhanallah. Alhamdulillah. Thank Thee, O Allah, for meeting me with good-hearted pious people I could call bestfriends of my soul. They–my bestfriends–are those who never turn their faces away when I fall, as if it’s a sign that You also never turn Your face from my dark hours. They always encourage me, and it’s like a sign of You also are encouraging me.
Thank you. I love Thee, O, Allah.
Note:
Thank you for the stories, Isky. I rewrito it into bahasa Indonesia, and today I translated it back to English, wondering if you’re reading this too. The content of the stories may not exactly like we were talked about, but I hope I didn’t make mistake with the interpretation. Thank you. I adore you and I cherish our friendship so much. I *heart* you. ❤
A friend in need is a friend indeed. ^_^
My apology if I haven’t been the friend you expect I am to be. I will do my best in the future. That, if you’re still willing to have me.
The past two days, I’ve been crazy busy. Working stuff. Attending a seminar and helped my mates at our exhibition. But it doesn’t matter. I always love working hard and give it all my “totality”. ^_^
But something made my breath heavier.
Another misunderstanding.
Another “fight”.
Another judgment.
Another ache.
This is the point where I reach
a full intention to let go.
Perhaps this is the best.
For him, especially.
I know I promised him to never give up
for I do love him so much.
But, it seems like my will to never let go
would bother him a lot due to my situation.
I may say “I love you” thousands of times,
and yet he’ll never believe that
without questioning: How can a person has two hearts–
one to the man she marries and the other one to the soul she really loves.
If only he knew,
my heart is only one.
It is MINE to give to whomever I want.
And I gave it to him.
Alas, he threw it away. Trash it.
Here, I silently picked up this dying heart he dumped.
Holding my breath,
for every time I inhale the air froze my lungs.
And when I exhale, it burns.
Tried to hold my tears to no avail.
Several drops of my silent tears escaped my eyes,
and bloody tears spilled out my heart.
And, suddenly everything that goes my throat
became extremely hard to swallow.
I almost lost the will to live.
But life ain’t simple. Especially mine.
Broken hearts happen, all the time.
I will try to move on,
leaving everything to God’s care,
because right now I’m broken.
Ketika saya bersedih, seorang sahabat baik saya menceritakan dua cerita berikut:
Pertama, suatu ketika ada seorang laki-laki yang sedang kesusahan, mendatangi rumah orang paling kaya di kotanya. Si orang kaya ini dikenal biasa memberikan bantuan kepada yang membutuhkan. Seorang dermawan, mungkin. Saat mereka bertemu, si laki-laki yang sedang kesusahan berkata, “Tuan, bantulah saya. Sungguh saya sedang sangat membutuhkan bantuan.”
Tapi yang terjadi, si orang kaya itu malah menghardik dan mengusirnya, “Pergi sajalah kamu. Saya tidak memberikan bantuan begitu saja kepada seseorang. Saya hanya memberi bantuan kepada mereka yang cacat dan buta.”
Tertegun, si laki-laki yang sedang kesusahan itu membalas, “Baiklah saya akan pergi. Rupanya sayalah yang buta. Seharusnya saya tidak datang meminta bantuan kepada Tuan. Seharusnya saya hanya datang meminta bantuan kepada Allah saja.”
— cerita dia ini, membuat saya tersenyum. ^_^
Kedua, ada seorang laki-laki sholeh meninggal dunia, dan karena amalannya di dunia luar biasa, Allah menghadiahinya surga sebagai tempat kembali. Namun, sebelum masuk ke surga, ia berdiri di samping Allah dan bertanya, “Ya Allah, tunjukkanlah kepadaku, perjalanan hidupku bersama-Mu.”
Allah kemudian membawanya ke sebuah hamparan padang pasir. Ada dua pasang jejak kaki di pasir tersebut. Allah berkata, “Sepasang kaki itu milik-Ku dan satunya lagi milikmu.”
Si laki-laki sholeh itu mencermati dan menelusuri, kedua pasang jejak kaki itu selalu beriringan ke manapun arahnya. Namun di beberapa tempat, kedua pasang jejak itu terputus, menjadi sepasang jejak kaki saja. Beberapa meter berikutnya kembali menjadi dua pasang jejak kaki.
Si laki-laki sholeh itu berhenti di jejak yang sepasang tersebut.
Ia lantas bertanya, “Ya Allah, di sini adalah masa ketika hamba sedang sangat kesulitan. Mengapa Engkau meninggalkanku, ya Allah?”
Namun Allah tersenyum dan menjawab, “Kamu bicara apa. Justru saat itu adalah ketika Aku menggunakan kedua tangan-Ku untuk mengangkatmu.”
— sampai sini, saya agak bingung.
Saya bertanya kepada sahabat saya itu, “Jadi jejak kaki terakhir itu milik Allah?”
“Ya,” jawab dia. Lalu melanjutkan, “Jadi bukannya Allah meninggalkan dia, melainkan Allah mengangkatnya ketika ia terjatuh dan merasa tak sanggup melanjutkan perjalanannya.”
Sampai sini, air mata saya tumpah setumpah-tumpahnya.
Dari dua cerita itu sahabat saya mengingatkan: ketika kamu kesusahan, mintalah hanya kepada Allah. Dia tak pernah mengecewakan siapapun hamba yang meminta pertolongan. (Ingat, Allah adalah sebaik-baik pemberi pertolongan).Dan ketika kamu kesusahan, Allah tidak meninggalkanmu, melainkan mengangkatmu ke derajat yang lebih tinggi.
Masya Allah. Subhanallah. Alhamdulillah. Terima kasih, ya Allah, telah menemukan saya dengan manusia-manusia sholeh yang bisa saya panggil sebagai sahabat jiwa. Mereka–sahabat-sahabat–yang tak berpaling ketika saya terjatuh, seakan menjadi tanda bahwa Engkau juga tak pernah berpaling ketika saya terjatuh. Mereka yang menguatkan saya, seakan menyiratkan bahwa Engkau juga sedang menguatkan saya.
Thank you. I love Thee, O, Allah.
Note:
Thank you for the stories, Isky. I rewrite this in bahasa Indonesia. You might not understand what I wrote entirely, but you can always google-translate it. Haha.. ^_^ But it’s pretty much about what you told me a few days ago–the day I cried. But those tears are grateful tears.. Thank you. I adore you and I cherish our friendship so much. I *heart* you. ❤
Neferland: Live to Learn to Live 
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