That’s a “usual” quote we often hear and read every where. But it became way more special, because the sentence came from one of my good friends, Fina. After I told her about my plan to get a scholarship and leave abroad, she simply said, “Life is about choice, Teh Nin.” (note: Teh is a short word of Teteh, means big sister. It’s Sundanese. Some people call me with “Teteh/Teh” before my name, as a respectful call, since I’m a Sundanese by tribe.)
I begun to think deeply about the word: Choice. Because it seems like I’m having a hard time to choose things I should do for my life.
I remember a quote from a film–the movie titled “The Core”, I think. One of the film character spoke to another leader-character, saying:
In time, a leader must choose which thing to do: the right choice, or the easier.
The leader, in my opinion, is talking about ourselves. We are the leader of our own life. None else.
The sentence indicates that choosing the right choice often turned out to be the hardest thing one person must do. And the easier choice, does not mean that it’s the wrong thing to do, but oftenly, it’s just a spontaneous call that might be regretted afterwards.
In living my life–my marriage–with a stress mind like I am in now, and trying hard to cope with all these sh*ts, seemed to be like “the easier” choice I’ve chosen. I won’t explain any further, whether it’s the wrong or the right choice. For now, I can only leave everything to God’s judgment. Like I said earlier in my post, for now, I’m broken.
In the same time, I also remembered a good friend of mine said:
“Nina, people can fly. But only if they believe. From bird’s heigth you can see not only your next day, week – but maybe many years that coming, you choose the way. free bird. just give a fuck. if you got wings, you dont need shoes.”
Those sentences has become the subject of my self-contemplation the last 3 weeks.
Those sentences were like the lighthouse that showed me the right direction to navigate my ship. I’ve been zombies for years, I won’t return to that state anymore. Now it’s my time to shine. I have to take what was rightfully mine: MY LIFE. I’m walking away from this turbulence of troubles I am in for the past 2 years.
And I also remember what Benny–one of my best buddies at the office–said to me:
“Stay true to yourself. Keep doing the right way. In the end, life itself will select which path worthy for good people and for not-so-good people. You won’t need to create the distance, it will appear automatically as time passed by. And if one of you–either Nina or her hubby–keep doing what you guys are doing right now, and refuse to change to be a better person you should be, the gap will really appear and drive the two of you apart.”
And you know what…. what he said to me almost a 5 months ago, is happening now. I can see we are now going in separate ways. We no longer communicate properly. We’ve stopped listening to each other. He always seem distant and so do I. And we no longer make any physical contact, not even eye-contact.
Perhaps, this scholarship, if God allowed me to really get it, would be my new path to claim back my own life.
Okay, that’s all for today’s entry. I will write again after finishing my job deadline, which is today. ^_^ Wish me luck.