It’s been quite awhile since the last time I write this blog. My apologies. I will write more later on. I will reduce my usage of social media and will start to use my blog more like a diary. You may not want to read my personal thoughts, so you can just skip. 😅
I admit I am not always a wise person. I have insecurities and traumas too. I am just a human. I never mean to “sell” my emotions for a like or comments. Although I found good friends’ responses are indeed heart-warming, but I will still be myself: make my own decisions, expressing myself no matter what other people think. 😂
Anyways, this is what I’m writing today. I don’t know what lesson you can get from this, I just…..write, you know. I told ya, I’m not always wise. Sometimes I just write without thinking much. 😜
Tangerang Selatan, Saturday, July 27, 2019
I just remembered, today is my best friend, Erwin Sutadi Sutisna Hamijaya’s birthday. He passed away on November 5, 2005. If he lived, he will be 42 years old, like me.
I miss you, broer. I’m sure Allah keep you happy in the afterlife now. You were a great friend. Always has. I love you. You were like my brother I can always count on. Al-Fatihah for you. I miss you.
Anyways, back to the topic:
I have tried for almost two years to control my feelings about you. You are my good friend since the start. You made it clear and I accepted. But weeks, months, years passed and I couldn’t erase this feeling of loving you, so much.
I always tell you, I never created this situation–of me, falling in love with my best friend. I never wanted this. I didn’t plan this. But it happens.
I appreciate that you are nice enough to keep me in your life, even though you knew I have feelings for you. Still, you involved me with so many matters in your life, communicating with me intensely and all. I respect you for respecting me, never touched me, never said bad things about me, and never taken advantage of me. Thank you. And thank you for giving us this “silence” for the past one week. It has made me think clearly about what should I do next.
There was moment when I thought you (finally) positively responded my feelings. Alhamdulillah, you flew back to your country few hours later, so nothing further happened. 😅 Otherwise, it will be bad for both of us. We might touch more, and we might do more haram things afterwards. Bad for us. Allah will be angry at us.
And, I have come to the point where I think better leave you. Not because I hate you, but because I love you so much and I can’t erase this–you know I tried my best to. I can’t. So I will just walk away and let Allah take over everything for me. If we’re meant for each other, then it’s done. If we’re not meant for each other, then it’s (also) done. We’ll walk our own path.
Of course you will always be my best friend and I will always love you with my own way. But I better keep my distance from you, until Allah meet us again in His own good way. 🙏