​To be perfectly honest, I envy people who are able to take their aged moms for a walk. I, we, never had such privilege. But then again, my mom always says, she doesn’t want to age and be a nuisance for her children and grand children. Surely, Allah granted her wish, even if it costs us a broken heart, but we (I and my sisters and brother) respect that wish, inshaa Allah.

This evening, after dhuhr, I found myself fell asleep at the office. And unlike any other day, when I had these “power naps”, I dreamed. And my dreamt was about mom. I often dream about mommy, but only twice that I dreamed her died, again.

Yes, this evening, in my dream, mom died again, in my arms this time… in the dream, we were on travel with the whole family, to a blue lagoon pool. When arrived, mom said she’s dizzy, her eyes are all fuzzy and blurry. She told me, “All my sight are grey.” I replied, “No, Mom, here everything is blue and green and sandy..”

And she told me again, “My tummy feels ticklish, my back is all cold and chill. Nien, I think I’m going to die..”

I almost scream in panic, “No, Mom. No, don’t say that. Not again. Don’t die again and leave me all alone.”

Mom then replied, “Nien, there’s so much I want to tell you before I go..” then mom said things I couldn’t hear nor understood.

That moment, I gained my consciousness. I stopped her and said, “Mom, tell me these later, but now all you have to do is follow my words: Asyhadu alaa ilaaha ilaLLAH. Asyhadu anna Muhammadur rasulaLLAH.”

I witnessed my mom said the syahadah, and closed her eyes, in my arms. She stopped breathing. I began to ask help to everyone around me. They helped her, but then I passed out. The next thing I know, mom was already buried and I took a vehicle with the rest of family (my children, sisters, nephew, father), I had my phone and typed “thank you for everyone who helped my mom”.

Then I woke up.

I almost cry. Why did I have to dream about seeing my mom died for the second time, again. What is Allah trying to tell me?

Meanwhile, let me pray for my mom, like I always do, and hopefully, I will meet her again on the other side, in a more peaceful situation.
I miss you, Mommy.