Once again, my dad saves me from another trouble. The old me might feel little about it, but the new me feel determined.
I just realized that my parents have worked their hardest and their bests to support us, their daughters. Most of all, me. Because it seems like, among the three sisters, I’m the weakest. The one that needs more support than my other sisters. And I am the firstborn. How embarrassing is that? 😀
Well, the three of us–I and my sisters are equally tough, smart, skillful in our own fields, so we’re kind of competing with each other in order to pursue own happiness. And life put me in the position to no longer able to support my parents and younger sisters, since I have my own three children to support.
Mom used to tell me, “You shouldn’t be worried about that. You just need to worry about your children since your exes don’t particularly support them.” Oh yeah, indeed I have my own demons. I made mistakes, made abrupt and reckless decisions, and it has taken its toll on me now–in the past 18 years. The consequences I have to face. I never forgave myself about that, but I made peace with my rage. One thing makes me sad is that I put my children in this shitty situation. I’d do anything to protect them from it. Especially from doing the same mistake I did.
I also feel sorry that I had to let my parents see me sad, even though they’ve done their best to make me, their daughter, happy. They witnessed how miserable I was. Even though I never said anything or came home crying or nagging. They just knew. Parents always know. And I know they held their breath watching me living, wasting my life, as a stupid, worthless, good-for-nothing bitch.
And now. Enough is enough.
Last night, my dad came to my house. We talked. My dad seldom talk, he doesn’t talk much, but we communicate by silence. I and my dad were the closest one. We understand each other. Well of course we do, I am his flesh and blood. 🙂 But we really don’t have to say anything to understand the situation. And he always knows. 😀 He’s the opposite of my mom. My mom was a naive (in a good way) kind of person. She was cheerful, shiny and happy–even though she’s sad. She was always smile and laugh the loudest. She found there was no reason to feel lonely because she has us. (I should learn that from her)
And I (always) like kinda half of them (like my dad and mom), while I should be double of them. Did you get it, readers? I mean, my dad is a silent genius, romantic man and always done his job perfectly. And my mom was a warm, loving, rational and do her job without whining. And I was in the middle of everything they did and do, while I should be double their bests. Why, because I am their offspring. They shared their half chromosomes and “made me” out of it, so that I’d live and be myself. And there’s nothing in this world would the parents want than to see their children happy. I know. Because I have three myself.
Anyways, today I decided to change it. I have the brain, I have the skill, I have the physic, I have the breath, so there’s no other reason why I shouldn’t be happy, useful and successful with my life. Now my purpose in life is to be happy, to make my parents and children proud and happy with me.
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.. May Allah give me strength and easiness to do this niat (intention). Aamiin..