a secret

Let me tell you a secret,

I often left the office a lot later than my other colleagues. And when there are nobody around, I like to open the window pane near my desk. I then lean my head to the window list and stare outside..

Sometimes, from the same window, I look down stair. The second story balcony and the parking lot. I stare at the strong bar with Indonesian flag on one of its corner. I stare at the balcony. Stare at the cars parked under the balcony.

Then I always picture myself climbing the window and throw myself out. Pictured my body descend and hit the bar. And if lucky, my big body would crash on the second story’s balcony. But perhaps, I’d still be alive then, unless the bar hit my head.


And one more time I picture myself fall down and hit the office cars parked on the parking lot. Well, that would be damaging the office property, which is not cool. But I’d definitely die when my body crash to the car roof and my head hit the asphalt.

I imagined what would I feel then. What would be my last thought when dying? Remorse? Worry about my kids? What would happen to my kids? What would my sisters feel to see their sister committed suicide. What would my father’s reaction? Would I meet my mom on the other side, or she’d come to me angry? Because killing-self is definitely go straight to hell.

And then I stop thinking about throwing myself out of the window. Glad I didn’t make such decision. Glad it’s just a secret inside my head, which now I share it here. 🙂

Life is hard, I know. But still, keep struggling and do the best you can, is a more dignified way of life.

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