Sometimes when I am at the lowest point in my life, it makes me wonder, if God is there sitting on The Arsy, is He really watching over me? Because sometimes I feel like this burden I carry is too great, I am spent. I am no longer certain this trial is here to strengthen me, or simply to crush me flat.

I may not the kindest person on earth, heck I am far from perfect, but I always choose the right things my entire life–although, perhaps, this “right thing” is relative, not universal. Is this the reason why God put such trial–or punishment–on me, because I’m not as good as He expected me to be?

I really don’t know..

Of course I memorize the verse of the noble Qur’an about Allah will only burden something that we CAN carry, not more than that..:

Allah does not impose upon any soul a duty but to the extent of its ability; for it is (the benefit of) what it has earned and upon it (the evil of) what it has wrought: Our Lord! do not punish us if we forget or make a mistake; Our Lord! do not lay on us a burden as Thou didst lay on those before us, Our Lord do not impose upon us that which we have not the strength to bear; and pardon us and grant us protection and have mercy on us, Thou art our Patron, so help us against the unbelieving people. (Q.S.2 Al-Baqara: 286)

But still, sometimes I cry anyway.. I know I am not the only one with problems. Even I know many of my dear friends have much bigger problems than mine, so what’s to complain? Why am I like this? Why am I behaving like I am not grateful enough, while Allah reminds me via the noble Qur’an, 31 times on Q.S.55 Ar-Rahman:

Then which of the favours of your Lord will ye deny?

Am I a weak Muslima?