I Can Only Dua

dua-contecrayonIt’s been awhile since my last post, isn’t it?

Hmm.. beside of my hectic period of work–regarding to the end of year, the end of the program’s chapter as well–and my previous duty travel to West Papua last month, I was also dealing with divorce papers.. 😦

Uh-huh, unfortunately, yes, I’ve come to the point where my private life finally finalized. haha.. — I didn’t know how to express myself anymore: relieved or sad. But, maybe both.

I mean, in our 6 years of marriage, the intense roller -coaster riding lasted the past 21 months: began with talaq 1 by the end of 2010, then talaq 2 by mid 2011. And I finally had enough of all these dramas. So when my ex threatened me with the another word of divorce (he said it a little too many times, actually), so I answered: so be it.

I just refused to be played around like a dead doll. Not anymore.

I knew I had to be straight this time. And now, I’m living another weeks of hell, bearing with his swears, curses and insults on his facebook wall and SMSes. Exactly like what happened last year. History repeated itself. It made me realize, leaving his sorry-ass might be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made and done in the last decade of my life.

Now the only thing that matter to me is my youngest son, Farrell. Alas, he is being used (by my ex) as a weapon to hurt me, and to threat me if I ever walk away from him. Okay, “threat” might sound too harsh, but still.. He uses my youngest to terrorize me, mentally. I’m so sick and tired of it all. I really wish I could do something so spectacular and get my Farrell back to me, but I can’t do that. It might harm Farrell’s mental. I don’t have the heart to drag him along with my mistakes.

All I can do is praying hard, that Allah will make him strong in mental and physical.

I can only dua (pray). I know it (dua) is the “weakest way” of an effort to make something right, but I am weak. I’m helpless, but not hopeless. I trust my son’s toughness. He has that blood from his mum-mum.

But, nevertheless, I talked to my 14 y.o. daughter Audi. My one and only daughter. She has been the only witness of my bitter marriage for the past 3 years. I told her, one day, if Farrell pops out a question, “Why Mum-mum didn’t fight for me and took me along with her?”–I may not be able to answer him, for some reason: out of confusion and emotions, or that I’m already dead.

So I pointed Audi to explain it to him in the future. Because she knew and saw everything. And, she said, “Okay, Mum, I’ll do it.”

Alhamdulillah. It’s such a relieve. Now, I can rest my case. And continue dua. In Islam, it is said, a mother’s dua for her children, is one of the types of dua that directly listened and granted by Allah Himself. Aamiin.. I KNOW my God’s promise is true.

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