Meminta kepada Allah lewat tahajud dan istikharah

Video call pagi tadi sama mertua, beliau kembali nanya, “Kenapa Nina ngga menikah?”

Saya bingung njawabnya. ๐Ÿ˜… Kalau pun saya jawab, besok pasti beliau akan bertanya lagi hal yang sama.. ๐Ÿ˜

Anyway, hari ini ekspresi wajah beliau lebih serius, bahkan terlihat sedih. Lalu beliau bilang, “Nin, mamah berpesan nih ya, kita sebagai perempuan harus menikah, harus ada pendampingnya. Ngga baik sendirian kelamaan. Coba kamu sholat tahajjud dan istikharah, minta sama Allah: Tolong pertemukan saya dengan jodoh yang sholeh, ya Allah..”

๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ

Pengen sih saya jawab: Kan nunggu timing Allah aja, Mah. Yang deketin sih banyak, tapi karena kondisi dan situasi saat ini kan bergerak juga jadi lebih sulit ya.. ๐Ÿ˜… Tapi sudahlah. Saya memilih untuk diam dan menunggu sampai mama selesai memberi nasihat.

Alhamdulillah, saya sungguh-sungguh bersyukur, karena masih punya satu ibu yang menasihati dan mendoakan saya, meski beliau adalah ibunya mantan suami saya ๐Ÿค— tetap ibu saya kok rasanya. Hehe.. Maklum, ibu saya sudah pulang duluan 5 Agustus 2014 lalu. Lusa jadi peringatan wafat beliau ke-7 tahun.

Soal jodoh, saya juga sudah meminta doa dan restu dari papa saya pada 2019 silam. Bahkan sampai beliau menaruh tangannya di kepala saya dan mencium dahi saya, sebagai tanda meridhoi saya untuk kelak bersuami lagi. Hanya saja, Allah sepertinya punya rencana berbeda.

Saya pernah membaca kalimat di medsos Islami yang menulis: If Allah makes you wait, then prepare yourself to get more than you expected.

Jika Allah membuatmu menunggu maka bersiaplah untuk menerima lebih daripada yang pernah kamu bayangkan.

Saya hanya bisa menyahut dalam hati: Aamiin.. ๐Ÿ˜Šโค๏ธ

Selamat beristirahat, Keluarga dan KawaNina. Stay safe, stay healthy. I love you all. ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ’•

my mother-in-law is my mother for life

โค๏ธ My mother-in-law (woman with glasses sitting next to me) survived Covid. The virus cost her 3 weeks being hospitalized, and also claimed the life of 1 of his 4 sons. The burden so great, even I can’t bear to fit my feet in her shoes. Her husband passed away 2 years ago, so she’s really struggling by herself.

In the past, we were not exactly in good terms because of some misunderstandings, which also ended up my marriage with her son back in 2001. But she was always a wise and good-at-heart kind of woman. She still welcomes me kindly.

And in 2007, I got married again to a good man who, apparently, able to bring my relationship with my mother-in-law, better. My second husband is that type of guy who takes a great care of parents and elderly. He never thought that my mother-in-law is in fact the mother of a man who married and abandoned his wife in the past. He never blamed his “rival” parents. Yes, that’s how awesome my second husband was.

But, in time, things changed. The lesson I learned that there are no bad people, just bad decisions. Even good people can make bad decisions.

Knowing this disaster I was facing, my mother-in-law chose to become my rock, and helping me raising her two grandchildren.

Anyway, like I said, she survived Covid, but at great cost. Her mind is showing the sign of dementia, to my horror. I wish I could do something more, but if I do, most likely my ex’ new wife would flipped off. ๐Ÿ˜… I don’t want to cause any trouble, so, I try my best to stay out of it.

Alhamdulillah my daughter helped me in touch with her granny by video call. At least I can encourage her spirit and be her rock this time.

One thing really touched me, this morning during video call she asked me: Nina, who are you with right now? Are you married yet? Do you have money? Do you need money?

Subhanallah, she’s worried about me. I’m “only” her son’s ex wife and yet she loves me like her own. ๐Ÿค— I am honored and grateful, alhamdulillah.

As for her question, I replied: Mama, don’t worry about me. I am financially stable, Alhamdulillah. Please, I need you to focus about your well-being right now. And, no, I’m with nobody. Will you pray for me, Mama? Because your blessing is Allah’s blessing too, since you are my mother for life.

She answered again: Oh, of course, dear. I am praying you will get marry soon to a man who will love and take a good care of you and my grandchildren. And I expect, by the time your daughter get marry, you already have someone taking care of you.

I replied: In shaa Allah. Thank you, Mama. I love you.

Her reaction when hearing I said that words almost break me. She was crying and replied: I love you too, daughter. I do. Please be well.

Wallah, I tried so hard to not crying right thenโ€”I cried later, after she hung up the call. I mean, I am her rock right now, right? I must not show her that I am also worried sick about her. She must not see me sad, because she will feel guilty for making me sad. So I keep smiling and keep giving her positive vibes. That’s what I learned being an adult: To be able to numb ourselves so we will not get carried away and break down.

Anyway, please pray for her health, good people. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ˜Š I ask for your kindness too, and I have asked Allah’s for sure. I pray she gets better soon.. โค๏ธ

the most important person in my life: Papa

I will share you a little glimpse of Allah’s blessings in my life: Family! ๐Ÿก๐Ÿก๐Ÿก

This is my father. You may find his Instagram @syahrazadjazir โค๏ธyou are welcome to follow him. He loves to share his past and present pictures. He loves the idea to digitalize photos.

Papa is also an amazing motivator ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ‘Œ

He is a flight attendant retiree. He flew all over the world, an amazing hard worker, and great at what he’s doing. Among his hobbies is photography. He’s also a greenthumb, like my mom. He loves to plant and gardening. And he’s a great Chessmaster and scrabble-master. If you ever meet him and challenge him chess or scrabble, he’ll beat the shit out of you in ease. ๐Ÿ˜Ž

I can never defeat him on scrabble game, I tell ya, and I am a [goddamn] bilingual editor by profession! ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

He was a model in his younger yearโ€”a skill he passed on to my sister. ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿป He wrote poetry too. Clearly, I inherited his writing skill. ๐Ÿ“

Art is strong in the family, so is linguistic. He speaks many languages. We were raised with these many languagesโ€”mainly English and our natives (Bahasa Indonesia ๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡ฉ and Sundanese ethnic language). But he can speak many more languages. ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’–

He is my personal hero, my first love, the only man I can always count on. And one thing I love about him the most is that he fully trusts and respects me as a human being, even though I am his own child. He never complaint or protest onto the choices I made in my life. I know he’s worried sick to see his firstborn sometimes makes crazy decisions in life. But he trusted me. Also because he had raised me well, the best he could. And I do my best to not let him down. I still let him down a lot though. ๐Ÿ’ I’m sorry, Papa. ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ™

And one thing, he didn’t like cats. ๐Ÿคฃ But I do.

He didn’t like cats before I was born 43+ years ago. But look at him now ๐Ÿ˜

Since the first years of my life, he recognized that I’ll grow as an animal-lover. And he was right. I am. So he has to cope with that. ๐Ÿ˜…

Not only me that is an animal lover. My sister as well. I am a cat person and my sister is a dog person. My dad is stuck in the middle. ๐Ÿ˜‹

Again, he didn’t mind that. He even supported us in our hobbies and interests.

I love you for that and for everything good in my life, Papa. Thank you for nurturing, loving, and raising me as I am now.

โค๏ธ I love you.

#mostimportantpersoninmylife
#importantpeopleinmylife

When Allah Speaks

โค๏ธ Lately Allah often speaks to me when I am in my most vulnerable moment.

I just lost someone very important for me. No, not lost to the hands of death, but rather to the hands of egoโ€”which is worse, tbh. And yesterday was our last conversation, by text. It went good and I’m glad we ended everything in peaceful way. A sweet goodbye.

Nothing is sweet about goodbye, honestly. It’s painful. Anyway, our goodbye was much better than hanging words in anger. I have said to him everything I wanted to say. Therefore, there is nothing left to say anymore. He will remain a person I am loving deeply within me. But some love is unwelcome. So it is best to let go.

This left me heartbrokenโ€”although this is not the first time he made me feel such. I can only hope, this will be the last agony he ever let me feel. Today I woke up empty. But I knew, it has to be done, to teach myself to be stronger and wiser. I need move on with my own life. Without him.

The wound is still fresh. And open. In my half delirium mind, I clicked on #Canva apps, try to seek inspiration and, probably, to express how I feel right now. And this, appeared at “home” as the apps opened. Somebodyโ€”only Allah knows whomโ€”must have created it with Canva and posted it on #Instagram, and Canva caught the entry and slipped it as suggestion in my “home” design suggestion. What are the odds?

My romantic mind just understood it directly as Allah spoke to me. And I’m listening, as always. Because simply, there is no such thing as coincidence.

Anyway, I thought patience is my superpower. But clearly Allah wants me to learn more and more. Why? Only Allah knows the answer. Allah is my ilah, the sole entity worthy worshipped and nothing else. Allah is the captain of my ship. I’m trusting my life in His hands. It’s an honor, because I know, I am just an insignificant slave. Being loved and handled by Allah is a great honor.

Alhamdulillah.. Thank you for reminding me to be patient, O Rabb โค๏ธ and thank you for watching my back all the time.

#selfreminder #contemplatinglife #selfcontemplation #Alhamdulillah

When my Rabb said: Sabr

My cat, Pippi, she’s impatient sometimes. Every 5 hours she will meow, asking for food. When I opened up the fridge, she started to get noisier, impatient. I took a spoonful of canned fish onto her feeding bowl, she immediately munch herself in. Eh? I was about to give her two spoons, but well, I couldn’t add any since her head is in the way. Maybe I’ll put more later.

Next time, Pippi meows, asking for food again. Like usual, I opened the fridge. But this time, she waits. Patiently sitting next to her bowl. I took the canned fish and put a spoonful onto the bowl. She sniffs, and back to her position. Sitting. Staring at me. Waiting. So I add another spoonful of fish to her bowl. Then I put back the can into the fridge. From the corner of my eye, I can see she still stares at me. So I pat her head and says, “Alright, you go eat. Good girl.” Then she will eat, slowly.

Pippi’s behavior sometimes get on my nerves, but I love her dearly. No matter how annoyed I felt, I love her and will never abandon her. When she plays outside, I will look and call for her to return. When she’s around, I will give her many hugs and kisses, although she felt uncomfortable about it. ๐Ÿ˜‚ Most of the time, I miss her affection, and she’s an aloof type of cat. ๐Ÿคจ Independent. But, still, I want her to come to me, to pet her.

This evening, I contemplated my life and couldn’t help but thinking the analogy of that simple interactions between I and my cat. It feels like my relationship with Allah, when sometimes He says: Wait, be patient (sabr) for I have another plan for you.

And, possibly, Allah also call me and said: I know you are an independent being, but I am your Rabb, so why don’t you come to me and rely on me?

(sigh)

It’s true. Sometimes it is I who act too proud and impatient towards my Lord’s command.

May Allah forgives.. ๐Ÿคฒ

It’s okay to move on

Life taught me, it’s easier to forgive others than forgiving yourself. ๐Ÿ’ But you have to. So that, you can move on. You see, it’s alright to move on and leave everything behind. Really, it’s alright.. ๐Ÿค—

I know it’s very difficult to forgive someone you loved who had let you down, failed you, hurt you, betrayed you. But if you able to do it, means you have grown stronger and wiser than before.

And I know, the most difficult thing is to forgive yourselfโ€”thought that you have done your very best, you have tried so hard to fix it, survive it, mend it, heal it. You have swallowed your ego; you compromised to the extend which you never done to anyone else before.. And yet your ship still sank. Regardless of whose fault it was, you still feel that you have failedโ€”at the very least, as if you’ve failed yourself.

Sometimes, in order to make you feel better about yourself, you started to talk bad about your exโ€”be it the truth or you exaggerated it. But, TRUST ME, even if it was the fact, talking ill about your past lovers will not make you feel better.

So, be brave to change your mindset. Forgive them. Forgive yourself. Everything happens for a reason. And have faith, the reasons are to let you grow wiser, smarter, tougher, stronger, and more appreciative toward your future.

Again, be brave. ๐Ÿฆ

We will be alright, biidznillah (by God’s will). โค๏ธ

#peptalk #contemplating #selfcontemplation #NienSez #bebrave #itsalrighttobehappy #movingon

if only you knew

If only you knew, how much Allah loves you,
through me.

Even though I am loving you one-sidedly,
Even though every day I try my best to ignore this feeling,
Even though every night I determined to make more space between you and I,
As if our physical distance of two continents apart is not enough.

I let all my sorrow and anger of rejection bury me before sleep,
With hope the next morning I’d wake up to find my feelings for you have vanished.

That kind of morning never came.

All the bad thoughts somehow neutralized during my sleep
And I only wake up with positive feelings for you.

And no matter how many times and how badly my heart cracks,
breaks, smashed, burnt into pieces by your constant friendzone
It will reshape again in whole, no scar left, only warm feeling of loving

Ah,
If only you knew how much Allah loves you
through me..

orang baik sering disia-siakan?

Orang baik lebih sering disia-siakan oleh pasangannya, kenapa?

Hmmm.. Kenapa ya?

Saya kok ya sering banget menemukan pertanyaan seperti ini. Mulai dari orang curhat, sampai baca komik atau artikel, rerata tercetus kalimat begitu, “Orang baik, kok disia-siakan? Apakah yang bersangkutan kurang baik?”

KawaNina, saya sendiri nggak bisa menjawabnya. Apalagi karena saya juga termasuk orang yang disia-siakan, walaupun saya tidak merasa diri masuk dalam kategori “orang baik”. Saya hanya berpikir, mungkin saya dinilai kurang baik oleh pasangan saya, sehingga dia memilih untuk mengabaikan, mencuekiโ€”bahasa opo iki mencueki?

Intinya ya, menyia-nyiakan. Lalu ujungnya, saya hanya bisa terdiam dan membiarkan waktu membuktikan, siapa yang merasa paling merugi saat kehilangan satu sama lain.

Suatu kali, terkait ini, ada seseorang yang menyahut, “Orang yang menyia-nyiakan istri/suami yang baik adalah orang yang tak bersyukur.” Saya berpikir, bisa jadi itu jawabannya. Entahlah..

Ada juga yang mengatakan, “Orang baik itu biasanya tangguh, sehingga orang lain berasumsi jika disakiti, mereka (orang baik) akan tetap baik-baik saja dan tetap bersikap baik.”

Hmmm.. Entahlah.. Kalau Keluarga dan KawaNina, kira-kira tahu ndak jawabannya? ๐Ÿ˜Š

Wrote on my Facebook, Oct 31, 2016

harus punya anak?

Nikah, harus punya anak?

Beberapa kali kedua anak saya bertanya hal ini: Mam, emangnya kalau menikah harus punya anak? Kalau aku nikah ngga punya anak, boleh nggak? Atau sekalian aja aku ngga usah nikah ya? Aku gak kebayang bisa membesarkan anak..

๐Ÿ˜… Emaknya cuma nyengir..

Gini ya, Nak-anak, first of all, punya anak atau tidak, itu Allah yang menentukan. Bukan manusia. Banyak pasangan suami istri yang gak berencana cepet-cepet punya anak, eh ternyata sebulan nikah, istrinya langsung hamil. Banyak juga pasangan suami istri yang pengeeeen banget punya anak, tapi sama Allah belum juga ACC. Sampai belasan, bahkan puluhan tahun nikah, ngga juga punya anak. Jadi itu semua bener-bener Allah yang menentukan.

Kedua, harus punya anak? Yaa ngga ada aturan yang mengharuskan sih. Hanya saja menurut ilmu agama berdasarkan Al-Qur’an dan hadis, kita menikah agar bisa memiliki keturunan. Dan Rasulullah senang melihat umatnya yang sangat banyak di surga kelak. Inget, asumsinya umat Rasulullah ya, artinya yang sholeh dan mendidik diri agar bertabiat meneladani Rasulullah dan sunnah-sunnahnya. Artinya lagi, apa? Artinya umat yang punya tanggung jawab membesarkan anak dengan prinsip Islami agar tumbuh jadi manusia yang termasuk umat Rasulullah Muhammad SAW. Ribet? Makanya utamakan belajar agama dulu sebelum belajar cinta-cintaan. ๐Ÿ˜ –Btw, ini omongan saya sebagai ibu ke anak sih, jadi musti agak2 kayak Mamah Dedeh lah ya. Hehehe..

Ketiga, kalau ditanya jujur, ngga ada satu pun manusia yang bener-bener siap punya anak. Ada yang merasa udah siap banget, begitu praktik, anaknya lahir, gak kuat begadangnya, keteteran sama bayi yang suka gak terduga jadwal nangisnya, lupa bagi tugas malah semua ditumpahin ke istri, padahal penting banget berbagi tugas saat kita punya bayi. Ini bayi nih manusia, anak kita, tanggung jawab kita, nyawa bayi ini ada di tangan kita. Kalau bukan kita yang handle, siapa lagi yang mau? Lah kita pelihara bayi kucing aja musti kita nurture, apalagi bayi manusia?

Tapi pertanyaannya bukan: siap ngga jadi orang tua, melainkan, siap ngga lebih bertanggung jawab sama diri sendiri, sama pasangan, sama anak, sama keluarga kecil kalian? Kalau belum siap, minta sama Allah untuk mencukupkan, menyabarkan, memampukan.

Keempat, soal perlu gak sih nikah? Lha ini.. Gini ya, mamam blak-blakan aja. Di Qur’an tertulis: Allah menciptakan manusia lengkap dengan nafsunya. Manusia itu selalu punya nafsu, SALAH SATUNYA adalah syahwat. Ada manusia yang bisa menahan syahwat dengan puasa dan shalat, tapi secara fitrah, takdirnya, syahwat itu selalu ada. Gak bisa hilang sama sekali. Sadari, kita ini manusia, bukan malaikat yang tak memiliki nafsu, apalagi syahwat. Sadari juga, kita ini manusia, bukan hewan yang hanya punya nafsu tanpa akal.

Di Al-Qur’an, Allah memberi “fasilitas” menikah, bagi yang sudah mampu dan mau. Selama kamu belum terbayangi oleh syahwatmu, nikah belum perlu. Kalau kamu sudah mulai merindukan menghabiskan hidup dengan seseorang, nikah menjadi sunnah. Tapi kalau sudah ada hasrat syahwat dan kerinduan itu semakin gak terbendung maka nikah menjadi fardhu.

Anyways, saran mamam tetep, menikahlah. Cari pasangan sesuai bibit, bebet, bobot. Kalau kamu mau nikah dengan seseorang yang berkualitas maka kamu wajib lebih dulu menjadi orang yang berkualitas. Niatkan nikahmu karena Allah, agar kalian sehidup sesurga. Belajar dari kesalahan mamakmu ini, ambil hikmahnya, buang contoh buruknya. Mamakmu selalu niat sehidup sesurga saat memutuskan menikah. Tapi ngga ada manusia yang mampu menghindar takdir Allah. I’ve done my best, Allah decides the rest.

Masalah punya anak atau ngga, itu biar Allah yang tentukan.

Nah, udah panjang lebar begitu, anak saya balik nanya lagi: Jadi kalo aku gak nikah, gapapa?

Hadehhhh.. ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…

Dua dari tiga anak saya sudah usia 23 dan 21, tapi tetep aja bocah kecil sama emaknya mah..

my home is your two arms

๐Ÿ‡ฌ๐Ÿ‡ง

Understanding you is by listening carefully to things that you don’t say. Accepting you is by trusting more in your gestures than all your words.

Thank you for always taking care of me. Alhamdulillah, you provided me with your time and attentions. Indeed Allah is the best for choosing you as the owner of my heart. For me, loving you as best I can is a mandate from my Rabb.

Hopefully one day, the distance between you and me will be two millimeters left. And, the continents which separate us today, will become a fertile field for us to plant our hope.

Remember, my home is your two arms, where ever you are.

๐Ÿ‡ฒ๐Ÿ‡จ

Memahamimu adalah mendengarkan dengan cermat hal-hal yang tidak kamu ucapkan. Menerimamu adalah lebih memercayai ungkapan sikapmu dibandingkan semua perkataanmu.

Terima kasih kamu selalu menjagaku. Alhamdulillah, kamu mencukupi aku dengan waktu dan perhatianmu. Tak salah Allah memilihmu sebagai pemilik hatiku. Bagiku, mencintaimu semampuku merupakan amanah dari Rabb-ku.

Semoga suatu hari, jarak antara kamu dan aku hanya tersisa dua milimeter saja. Dan, benua yang hari ini memisahkan, kelak menjadi ladang subur bagi kita menanam asa.

Mengertilah, rumahku adalah kedua lenganmu, di mana pun kamu berada.

KamisRomantis ๐Ÿ˜Šโค๏ธ๐Ÿ’œ

‘Moga Doa Jadi Nyata

Alarm.

Tangan saya meraih hape dan menggesernya ke kata “dismiss”. Saya lebarkan mata, mengusap wajah, lalu melihat ke sosok lelap di kanan saya. Punggungnya naik turun, bernapas tenang.

“Baby, wake up. Waktunya qiyamul lail,” desah saya di telinga pak suami sambil memeluk dia dan mengecup lembut pelipisnya. Yang dikecup malah menggeliat dan menarik selimutnya sampai kepala.

Tertawa, saya ulangi kalimat tadi, berulang kali seraya menekan, menggelitik area leher, punggung, pinggang. Pak suami mulai mengeluarkan suara berat, enggan, “Ng.. Alright, alright..”

Sekali lagi saya memeluk dia sayang. Tangan saya di pinggangnya, bibir saya di lehernya–kira-kira. Kan ketutup selimut. ๐Ÿ˜ Saya sengaja meniup napas lebih keras di bagian lehernya, di titik cumbu kesukaan dia. Semenit. Pak suami mulai kegelian, merasakan tiupan hangat dari mulut saya. Haha.. Dia bergoyang enggan, mencoba melepaskan diri. Saya terkikik. Saya suka menggodanya begitu.

Saya turunkan selimut dari kepalanya dan kembali mengecup pelipis Pak suami, sebelum akhirnya melepaskan lengan dan bangkit dari ranjang. Saya duduk di pinggir tempat tidur, mencari sandal kamar. Belum sempat saya berdiri, Pak suami setengah membalik badan, menahan lengan. Suaranya manja, “Baby..”

Hng! Tau deh. Dia pasti jadi horny gegara saya kecup lehernya tadi. Hahahaha.. Istri selalu tau bagaimana cara “membangunkan” lahir batin suami, bukan? ๐Ÿ˜œ

“Aissss nanti ajaa.. Abis tahajjud. It’s a promise,” saya tertawa kecil sambil kembali memeluk dia. Kali ini dia menyambut tawa saya dengan bibirnya. Semenit. Dua menit. Wahhh gawat! Kalau tidak dihentikan sekarang, ngga akan berhenti ini mah. ๐Ÿ˜‚

“Aduuuh, come on. Not now. Anak bandel,” saya tergelak, menghindar ciuman dan jelajah tangannya lebih jauh.

Syukurlah, kali ini Pak suami mau bekerja sama. Tidak seperti kemarin malam. Dan malam sebelumnya. Dan sebelumnya lagi. Wadaw, sudah 10 malam absen tahajjud gegara menjalankan ibadah yang lebih wajib. ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜œ

Tampaknya Pak suami juga sepikiran dengan saya. “Baiklah, dini hari ini kita rehat dan mojok sama Allah dulu, bareng kamu,” ujarnya.

Saya tersenyum lebar, mengecup pipinya dan berbisik, “Awesome idea. I love you, Baby.”

“I love you more,” jawab dia.

“I love you the most,” sahut saya lagi.

“You better,” katanya lagi, membuat saya terkekeh. Itu empat kalimat selalu kami ucap bergantian, siapa pun yang memulainya.

Saya bangkit dari tempat tidur, menuju kamar mandi. Pak suami menyusul di belakang saya, langsung menyalip ke toilet.

“Iiih iiih.. curang! Aku kan bangun duluan,” saya cemberut.

Dia tertawa, “Kamu geboy sih.” Tapi dia tidak menutup pintu kamar mandi, jadi saya menyelinap ke balik pintu, menuju area shower dan menyalakan airnya, kecil.

“Kamu mau mandi?” tanya dia.

Saya, masih tetap manyun manja, “Ngga ah. Kalau aku mandi, kamu pasti ikutan, dan akhirnya kita nge-skip tahajud lagi, kayak berapa malam lalu.” Dia terkekeh. Saya berwudhu. Selesai, saya melihat pak suami terkantuk-kantuk duduk di toilet.

Saya ciprati wajahnya dengan air wudhu. Matanya terbuka, agak kaget, tapi pastinya dia sudah mengira saya akan menciprati wajahnya. Saya memang suka begitu ke dia. Sekarang ekspresi pak suami malah sengaja seakan mengantuk berat. Matanya setengah terpejam dan mulutnya terbuka, sok-sok ngorok gitu.

“Ya Allah, jelek banget kamu, Baby. Minta cium, ya?” goda saya. Spontan ia mengerucutkan mulutnya, minta cium!

Saya tergelak, sambil membasuh wajahnya sekalian dengan air wudhu yang masih ada di tangan kanan, “Nanti ajaaaa.. Jangan mancing aku deh, kalau aku terpancing, gagal tahajud lagi ini.”

Saya buru-buru ngacir ke luar kamar mandi, meninggalkan pak suami yang tertawa geli, tapi sempat-sempatnya dia menepuk nakal ‘bumper’ belakang saya, sambil berseru kecil, “Soon, Baby. Soon! You’ll see..” Saya ngakak.

Selagi menunggu dia wudhu, saya bersihkan dan gelar sajadahnya. Saya lipat rapi sarung di bagian kaki, dan kopiah putih di bagian kepala. Tasbih peraknya, saya letakkan di meja kayu kecil yang terletak di pojok kanan, tak jauh dari sajadahnya. Pun Al-Qur’an, sudah saya letakkan di sana. Kode buat pak suami, dia pasti memahami.

Giliran saya menggelar sajadah untuk diri sendiri, di belakang sajadah dia, agak ke kanan. Saya kenakan mukena sutera berwana gading. Tak lama, pak suami keluar dari kamar mandi. Ia menatap saya sebentar, lalu geleng-geleng sambil tersenyum. Dia mengerti kenapa saya mengenakan mukena ini.

Satu dekade lalu, pak suami memberikan mukena gading saat melamar. Tak hanya cincin emas dengan 3 karat berlian yang ia sematkan di jari saya hari itu. Saya simpan baik-baik mukena gading ini, meski setiap tahun ia membelikan yang baru. Saya selalu mengenakan mukena ini sebagai pengingat.

“Alhamdulillah. Happy anniversary, Love. Thank you for having me,” ujarnya lembut, sambil mengecup dahi saya penuh sayang.

“Alhamdulillah.. Thank you for taking care of me,” balas saya.

Dia menggeleng, “No. Thank YOU. Kamu, yang selalu mengurus aku. Saat aku sehat, saat aku sakit, saat aku gembira, saat aku gusar, saat aku berduit, dan saat aku bokek berat, kamu tetap ada di sampingku, menggembirakan aku, menguatkan aku, menyejukkan aku, menentramkan aku.”

Ia merentangkan lengannya dan saya segera sembunyi di dalam peluknya. Kedua lengannya melingkar, erat, kepalanya bersandar lekat di kepala saya, the way I love it. His embrace is my home. Menyenangkan.

Kemudian kami melepaskan pelukan, mulai shalat. Sepertiga malam terakhir ini terasa amat syahdu. Dada saya berdebar kencang setiap mendengar suara takbirnya, membuat darah berdesir. Seperti bercinta, tapi lebih transendental. Menawan. Mengalun. Mengharukan.

Kesadaran saya berangsur pulih begitu ia berucap salam. Saya bergeming, sedikit tak sabar menunggu rangkaian puja-pujian untuk Allah dan Rasulullah. Kembali saya larut dalam doa indahnya. Usai ia tutup dengan doa sapu jagat, saya menggeser tubuh saya ke sampingnya.

Pak suami menoleh–he understands the drill. Dia menepuk bahunya, mengizinkan saya meletakkan kepala di sana, lalu ia mulai melantunkan ayat Qur’an. Buru-buru saya meraih Qur’an di meja kayu sebelah kanan kami. Dia tak perlu Qur’an untuk mengaji. Seluruh 30 juz melekat lengkap di ingatannya. Saya yang perlu.

Tanpa bicara, saya membuka Qur’an, “bertanya” surat apa yang dibaca. Pak suami memelankan suara sambil membolak-balik halaman. Telunjuknya berhenti di nama surat yang dimaksud, saya mengangguk, dan dia melanjutkan mujawwad-nya. Saya mendengarkan, dan sesekali mengoreksi ketika ada tajwid yang meleset. Setiap kali dia mengikuti koreksian, saya kecup pipinya, dan dia tersenyum, terus mengaji sambil menempelkan hidungnya di dahi saya.

Sampai sini, saya menghela napas. Berat dan panjang. Kembali ke realitas. Saya single. Dan sosok Pak suami yang saya tulis di dua episode terakhir ini adalah sebuah asa. Jika bisa dibilang, doa. Romansa pernikahan seperti itu yang tak henti saya pinta kepada Allah.

Utopis? Mungkin, tapi tak ada yang tak mungkin bagi Allah. Satu-satunya yang bisa saya lakukan adalah terus berdoa sambil memantaskan diri saya, agar Allah akhirnya mengirimkan sosok seperti itu ke dalam hidup saya, sebagai imam terakhir saya di dunia dan akhirat. Semoga. Hanya bisa berharap kepada pemilik semesta. ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ˜

Semoga doa sederhana ini kelak menjadi kenyataan. Aamiin.. ๐Ÿ˜˜๐ŸŽ‰

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