Struggle with Depression

Almost nobody knows that I’m suffering a severe depression. Not my friends, not my kids, not even my parents. The only few people knew are only those who has the knowledge about the science (psychology) and knowledge about me.

Indeed depression is silent. It comes once awhile, only when I reached my breaking point. Most of the time, I can always “fool” people around me with my wide smile and loud laughters. In other time, I can cry myself to sleep, hating myself, cursing my “amazing luck” in life, wishes if only I were never born, and every day I was thinking, “Oh. I’m still alive..” and you may not believe how many times I was thinking of killing myself. If I didn’t remember my family and religion values, I might as well did it already.

Instead, I never let my depression consumes me. But, really, even the strongest warrior in the world need a break. Or two.

The reason why I decided to make this entry, and tell you, my friends, about this is to tell others–who silently suffer the same mental breakdown sometimes (like me) that you are not alone. Even a person like me, whose smile the widest and laugh the loudest, is struggling with stress, depression and sometimes panic attack. These, are NOT disease nor weakness nor disability. These are just something we must survived from.

No, I don’t believe depression has any chemical cure. The only cures are pray, love and support. I may be still struggling with this, and God knows I am still trying to live as a “normal” person, but remember, we’ll survive this together, okay? 🙂



4 Comments Add yours

  1. I’m sorry to hear that sister, don’t feel the need to answer but I just wanted to ask is why do you feel depressed? Perhaps there’s a way i might possibly help. If you don’t want to say I completely understand and all I can say to you is to pray a lot to Allah, read Surah alduha and a way to cure your depression (mentioned in that chapter) is to count down all your blessings, when I feel like life is too hard to handle, I just write down all my blessings and it helps 🙂 Good luck honey^^

    1. Thank you for the lovely advice, sister. Yes, pray and recite the Qur’an are actually saved my soul from further destructive actions I might do. But, as we know, human’s iman fluctuates. So, sometimes the demon in me reigns; injected me with bad and negative thoughs, saying that Allah doesn’t love me. My conscience, of course, knows such thoughts are not true. And that’s the battle I’m living each day.

      I wish I could tell the reason, but I couldn’t. It’s too personal, too embarrassing, too painful (although I’ve tried to numb myself from the hurt feeling). I can only say, my previous posts are the hints. Unfortunately, some posts I wrote here mostly in Bahasa Indonesia. 😀
      Basically, I experienced “the trauma” in my childhood. I was, like 3 or 4 years old. And “it” happened again when I was 6 to 11 years old. Perhaps you could guess which kind of abuse happened to me in such a long time. My parents didn’t know and they must not know. My mom has passed away, so perhaps Allah already told her what life has done to her oldest daughter, but I prayed hard that Allah convinces her that it was not her fault. It’s just….. happen. The destiny I must carry. The test I must face.

      In my country, we don’t go to psychiatrist. We don’t believe in such, unless you are a rich person or your mental was literally ruined your actions. Alhamdulillah, mine was silent. It’s eating me inside, but I can handle and manage to “look normal” on the outside. By time, 1-2 of my school mates and good friends have grown to become psychologists. There, I started to talk to them. And they helped me understand what happen to me. Most of all, my good friends who I shared this dark secret convinced me, it’s not my fault. The trauma, I wasn’t the cause of it. I’m simply a victim.

      I spent my young years asking Allah, “Why me?” And the answer is right there in the Q.S. 2 Al Baqara. 🙂 So, you see, indeed Allah saved me. And Allah still does. 😉

      Thank you again for the support, my dear. I, we, need that. 🙂

      1. I hope you can overcome your trauma, and I’m glad you have friends you can confide in and give you advice.. I hope as much as you’re suffering and being patient, Allah will reward you as much multiplied. Something I heard that I hope might comfort you in some way is that the closer one is to God, the harder their life will and full of difficulties, just think of how precious the Prophet (pbuh) is to Allah, and he suffered the most out of all humanity. So never think Allah doesn’t love you sister 🙂 I wish I knew more about psychology to help you but all I can say is don’t keep it botled in, and when you start remembering your trauma try to make yourself busy and forget about it, and remember that one day your right will be returned to you and justice will prevail Inshallah 🙂

      2. Aamiin aamiin ya Rabbal-al’aamiin..

        Inshallah, my dear. And, as a matter of fact, you don’t need to understand psychology to make me feel better. You have a good, loving and warm hear, and that’s enough to make me feel comfort, thank you. May Allah pour His bless and kindness of the world for you, dear. 🙂

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